Just One thing at a time

I will be reading the following at DimeStories on Sunday.

DimeStories is an event that takes place on the 2nd Sunday of each month. It is a forum for prose. An open mic that does not allow poetry (though sometimes someone will slip something in). It's been going on for years, but we stopped a few years ago, and during the pandemic, an enthusiastic soul decided to start it up again. I've actually been writing and reading... the reading is a three minute or less story that can be fiction, non-fiction or something in between. However it must be prose and one's own work.

I had started to write about wanting to leave Shouldland. But I was not happy with it and then the following popped up. So I will share it here and read it on Sunday. It is titled, as above, Just One Thing at a Time. 

7 years ago, I was driving on a relatively busy surface street in stop and go traffic. I looked at my phone, and hit the car in front of me. It was a government vehicle. I totaled my car. Thank God no one was hurt, but the guy I hit was pissed to say the least.

Previous to this I said I would kill my daughter for doing just what I had done. Hypocrite you say? Well yes. Guilty as charged. A year ago, she did the same thing. Now both cars that were divvied out at the same time, after my parents passed away, were gone – killed in the same manner.

But that’s not the point, just an example. Another example…

I was mugged by my washing machine door a few days ago. As in every good mugging, my nose was bleeding, my lip was split, I kind of freaked out thinking maybe my teeth or nose were broken. I went inside, grabbed a washcloth to catch the blood trickling out of my nose, looked nervously at my teeth and saw they were all okay. I grabbed a bag of peas and put it gently against my face. First the nose, then the mouth, then the nose then the mouth.

I decided I would go play cards with my friends anyway. I was late, and they wouldn’t be able to replace me at this late time. So I drove down the road - peas on mouth, then on nose, back and forth for the drive. We had fun, they were understanding, and I kept the peas handy.

The question: how did that happen? The answer: I don’t remember. I think I tripped, fell, and slammed my face into the washing machine door which I leave open so it will dry out. I only know that I fell because of the height of the door and my skinned knee - which it took almost a full day to realize I'd done.

But the why is easy. I was not present in the moment. Not sure where I was, but I wasn't present, and I don't know how or why I tripped. Just like I wasn’t present driving my father’s inherited car, just like I wasn’t present when I fell down the stairs a year or so ago, just like I am not present when I can’t find my phone, or my purse, or my earphones, just like I wasn't present when I broke the French press that cut my hand opened a few weeks ago.

For the millionth time in my life I decided I needed to do just one thing at a time. JUST ONE!

And I actually have been. Phone in the glove box, or at least in the door handle. No glances while driving. What I've become aware of is how my head just runs off by itself taking me from the present moment to somewhere else… where that somewhere else is, I don’t think I even usually remember. So I'm doing what I can, when I remember, to think about where I am and what I am doing. And so far, so good. I haven't had to drive back home to make sure my garage door was closed in two days (I did this Monday, and I am writing on Wednesday)!

I'm actually having better luck remembering where I put things, and realized I don't have to do everything at once. I can take things in from the car small armful by small armful. Since it's only been two or three days, it is new, and because my face still hurts it reminds me, I do not know how long this will last, but I am hoping that finally (I've been getting the slow down and pay attention order for more than 30 years), it has taken. I am 68 and I do not want to keep hurting myself. I am so very appreciative that my body is willing to take these beatings with few real consequences. But even after just 3 days I am feeling happier, healthier and safer.

Not Writing Every Day Any More

I have decided not to write every day any more. I just don't have that much to say. I'm doing my 750 words every day (more or less) and that is where I can blow off steam or ask myself questions. So this feels a little redundant, so I am reneging my promise to write here every day. However, that probably doesn't matter since no one is reading this but me.

Also, it's that Roca time of year and I have a bunch of tax and legal stuff coming up so I have a lot of other things on my mind right now... 

AND, I am going to start living by that rainbow colored sign that is taped to the top of a clear picture frame with my father wearing lady liberty's crown... "What am I inspired to do in this moment?"

That is what I am going to be asking myself in every moment of every day and I intend to follow it.

Only 30 minutes left in December 2nd

As there are only 30 minutes left to this day, I will just quickly pound this out though truth be told, I have NO idea what I'm going to write about.

It's been a pretty marvelous day, actually... the universe stepped up as it always does. I had no idea where I was going on They Come Unbidden (my NANO novel), and then, during a writing workshop today the 'guide,' I call her that cause she is an amazing guide, gave us a quote that lead me to realize where I had to take my character - what her next steps would be. 

I also got bent completely out of shape and didn't understand why, but then I did two things... I believe I mentioned something I learned through "Your Year of Miracles," which was to get hold of that place inside where the discomfort, anger, frustration, etc. existed and then squeeze that area letting myself know that all is well and that I have my own back and that I will always be there for myself, and then I went and did a sweat (red light sauna), and played a couple of rounds of an old computer game I haven't played for a long time, and then I watched part of the first episode this crazy Netflix show that I was thoroughly enjoying called The Duchess (the sauna has a big TV and netflix! :)).

So at some point during those activities, I snapped out of it - headache and all. The headache was probably helped by the 2 extra strength Excedrins and the 1 ibuprofen. But that aside, wow - the 40 minute sweat went by in a flash and I had a really wonderful conversation with the woman (young woman) who works there... oops, I was indoors speaking with someone who was not really 6 feet away from me, for more than 15 minutes, but we were both masked.

So... I also want to say that this would have been my 36th anniversary if my ex and I were still married, but we aren't. We came together to bring life lessons to one another, and life to one of the loveliest people I know, and knowing that, I would not change a thing. Plus, I really love my life here in Orange County, and had I not married my ex, I would probably never have moved down here. My attitude before I moved here and in the first few years was that I was living behind the orange curtain...

So all in all, it was a really nice day and I'm so happy to have lived it. Wow, I finished with 14 minutes to spare!

Procrastination

I received this recently - it might even have been today. It was the daily quote e-mail from Abraham-Hicks. (abraham-hicks.com)

"What is the definition of procrastination? It means: I can feel within my Energy sensor that this action is not in perfect alignment at this time."

Excerpted from Boston, MA on 10/10/99

Our Love

Esther (Abraham and Jerry)

First, when I read this this morning, I knew it was what I would like to write about, so I copied and pasted it in here, and my inner being must have known I'd need a little push to get it done today. So thank you Inner Being... 

Reading this makes me feel good. I'm not lazy, I'm not avoiding, I'm just not lined up with whatever it is that I am trying to badger myself into doing. So the thing to do is to line up, right? Right, and also not the easiest thing in the world to do.

First, I have to stop my head from making excuses and trying to get out of whatever it is - writing, organizing, writing cards, homework, it can be anything.

BUT, once I get my head under control, once I find the reason that I really want to do something, it becomes much easier. 

Enter the dream. I learned about writing out dreams from the Inner U (www.inneru.coach) classes I've taken. They are pretty powerful. For me, the most powerful ones have been the mini ones I've done such as my dream for America, and my NANO dream. And now, it's the procrastination dream:

I am a good person. I accomplish a lot. I am creative and kind and I get done everything that I really need to do.

I actually love getting things done and once I start, it's generally an easy slide down hill to completion.

When I don't feel like it, I get in touch with the part inside that is resisting and just squeeze it - hug it tightly and let it know I'm here for it. I am here for that part for myself now and always. And then I think about why I want to do whatever it is. And between loving and hugging myself, and declaring why I want to do the thing I am avoiding, I am well on my way. I discover that I do want to do it and just begin.

I haven't used this dream yet. I just made it up right now. What I know is that when I got home from doing my red-light sauna session I was tired and didn't want to do a thing. I for sure didn't want to do any writing. Not my 750 words, my blog or put another few hundred words on my NANO novel.

But I had started to put into place the dream though it hadn't been written yet. And here I go. I haven't done anything yet on my NANO novel - working title They Come Unbidden, but I will, even if it's just a few sentences.

And, a few hours ago I thought I might just go to bed without doing any writing today. I think that talking to myself about why I wanted to do it - heck it's the first of a new month. I don't want to destroy my streak this early... that could portend not so great things, and my 750 words no one will read, and probably no one will be reading my blog either, so it's not like I have to please anyone but myself. And truly, there is never anyone I need to please but myself. So I am writing and that is a wonderful thing.

Keeping it going

Just a short note today though it's been a jam packed day. Even though I finished my NANO novel yesterday, I added another thousand words to it today. I am just going to keep on keeping on until it is done. And that feels really good.

A very productive day and amazingly, no TV. I wonder if I just need to keep my head and body out of the room with the TV, and maybe it's even time to get rid of the TV again (not the TV - I'm okay with watching movies - but do I really need the news? Do I really need the bachelorette? Do I really need Grey's Anatomy or the rest of it? I might miss John Oliver and Bill Maher. They make me think AND laugh.

There is, however, a part of me that says, but you're a writer! You are actually writing now. You need to keep up with what's out there, and it is waving it's emotional arms and I wind up thinking, yeah, maybe I'll keep it. Just because I have it doesn't mean I am its slave.

My coach wrote me a love poem today. It was a consequence (they are big on promises and consequences) of having not treating me very well by double booking over our meeting time, and not letting me know. I had to tell her that she was double booked. She knew, she was just not staying up on what was what. We all do those kinds of things, and yet impeccable time management is an important facet of the Handle group's philosophy.

After reading it, I realized that I'd never had a poem written for me (unless I'm blocking it out). I've never even written one for myself which I really want to rectify. So maybe tomorrow I will do that. A poem for me by me. And maybe a poem for a friend or two. 

I have to admit that reading the poem, I felt heard. I felt cared about. I frankly felt loved. She is a good friend and I am learning a lot from her and am so appreciative of our open and honest relationship that is just getting more open and more honest. And that is what I am wanting in all my relationships, but mainly in the relationship with myself.

Figuring things out an addendum

The same person I did a little mini rant about in the Figuring Things Out blog I met with today.

The methodology that the Handle Group uses is pretty awesome actually. And one of the tools is having a hard conversation. First of all, my coach and I love one another and wouldn't stay frustrated or angry for long once things were aired, and that is what happened during our hard conversation which really wasn't so hard because I did not want to stay angry or frustrated and I wanted everything to be okay. Being apologized to is very nice, however.  

The thing I have to say about her is that when I make a promise to her I keep it. Handle is also fond of promises and consequences. I'm not fond of them. If I make a promise I am going to keep it and not keeping it creates its own consequence of me being unhappy with myself which is pretty awful for me. I'm a nasty taskmaster with myself.

I promised her two weeks ago I would stick with my eating program which was MY eating program and not one that was imposed upon me. I had some stories I was telling myself that it used to be easy but now it is hard and that I just can't do it. Well those stories went out the window and it was easy and I ate well, I stopped thinking about food so much and I felt really good, and two weeks later I am down (and would have been down - my weight) even more had Thanksgiving not been in the mix, but I already said that bets were off for Thanksgiving weekend and I had intended to eat my daughter's pumpkin pie that actually turned out to be a pumpkin lava cake. It was really good. I was happy I ate it, and then ate a little more the next day, but then we threw it away, which I really could have insisted on T-G evening, but didn't... lesson maybe learned.

So one of the other things I really want to work with is my clutter issue. I promised her I would get everything off my desk and into my tickler for the days I am going to work with the items. And, lo and behold, it's almost all done. Not the handling of the items, but the putting away of the papers AND I actually did do a bunch of the things in the pile because they were easy and I could do them. I even sent an e-mail to someone I needed to get some information about, and amazingly, because that is how things are happening for me, she answered just minutes later. I got all the information I needed, and finished something that was on my plate for tomorrow! It was a very productive evening! 

I did not dance or do a zentangle, however, but it's almost 9:30 and that is my bed time - so I am good with waiting to finish sorting the pile and doing my zentangle till tomorrow. ALSO, I began to play an actual piece of music tonight. I did a few pages of exercises and then grabbed a book and started. It was SO MUCH FUN! I love pampering my creative side, and oh yeah, I hit 50,000 words today. I have not ended my story yet, but I did end this phase one of my NANO journey. It's actually still nice that I have more writing to do because it will keep me going and that is a good thing. Maybe I'll have a 100,000 word book at the end of it all.

I have no ending

 I am two days away from 'finishing' my NANO novel. I will get to 50,000 words and probably pretty easily, but what I don't have is a story. I have over 80 pages and something is going on, but it doesn't seem to be leading anywhere. I don't know that it's a big deal because really the goal is 50,000 words, not necessarily a beginning, a middle, and an ending. Though I would appreciate an ending or at least knowing where I'm taking it. The beginning is obviously done, and the middle is moving along, but the ending is somewhat elusive. I want an ending. I want to find out where these characters are going, but maybe they are on their own time and I just need to be patient.

I have two writing sessions scheduled for tomorrow, so I can probably even get to the 50,000 words then. I am hoping that either in my dreams or my mediation, that the story will start to head toward an ending. My mediations have been very fertile with ideas.

Tomorrow I also have to do some other things that have been hanging out in my mind and on my desk. The next two days will be busy, but good because I am intending it.

And as a total non sequitur, I have been thinking about getting sick as a tool for not having to do things, and my daughter, who spent the last few days with me, told me that she was aware that I do that. Then my friend Amy, when I told her, said she was aware of it too. And I thought I was so smart figuring it out. Maybe I need to find out what else they are seeing me do that is obviously, not the greatest way to move through the world!

Figuring things out

Something happened today that feels really weird, and I don't know what to think, or how to react, or how to interpret it.

There is a person in my life who is a wonderful and amazing woman and she is one of my coaches. We are supposed to meet on Sunday and I happened to notice that she has another commitment during the time that we are to meet.

This was somewhat shocking as this person is amazingly organized and on top of things.

I e-mailed her about it and asked if she just wanted to cancel this Sunday, but haven't heard back from her.

So this is my dilemma. As I completely believe that we attract everything that comes to us, I am wondering what I am doing inside of myself to attract this. 

First, what am I interpreting this to mean in relationship to me?

I am trying to look at this with neutral eyes and giving her the benefit of the doubt, but also, it's about my time. I want to know if I need to keep that block free and show up on zoom, or if I can put something else in its space.

Sometimes e-mails get lost. At times I've had hundreds to go through and so it takes a while to get to some that might even be very important. I've found some e-mails that I needed in spam. E-mails from people I always get e-mails from including, once, my sister.

So first, how and why did I attract this? Brick wall... I'll think on it. 

Second, I have become aware that I am not comfortable with not knowing things that are supposed to be set. So I guess the question is, how do I become comfortable with and okay with uncertainty? Can I just live in the confusion, in the unknowing space? And not just live in it, can I thrive in it? Can I just hold on and be okay with whatever seems to be hanging in the land of the uncertain, and still stay present and thrive with everything else?

Many of us have been having to live in this space during the last 9 months or so. Covid and politics have changed our lives. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but it's all about living in the unknown and uncertain and managing to thrive and focus on what is certain and known and enjoyed. 

How can I ENJOY living in the unknown? How can I stop telling myself negative stories about things, and how can I make the stories be better? I am in cognizant dissonances. And according to Mary Hulnick of the University of Santa Monica, that is not a bad place to hang out. So how do I hang out there in joy? That is my next adventure.

Happy Thanksgiving 2020

This was the Abraham-Hicks e-mail today - 

"Make the best of it. When you make the best of whatever you’re focused upon, your future will be better than your now. If each moment you’re making the best of what-is, no matter what it is, you make the best of it; make the best of it; make the best of it—your future just gets better and better and better, and better."

Excerpted from Boulder, CO on 6/7/03

Our Love
Esther (Abraham and Jerry)

I don't know that I need to put anything else. That is truly what I am trying to do now. Make the best of every moment, find something I like to focus on rather than holding on to the things I don't like and don't want to hold on to. 

It's Thanksgiving and it was a lovely day. I made a delicious turkey, my first ever, with my daughter and we had a lot of good food including a pumpkin pie that Sarah made though it was more like a pumpkin mousse lava cake. It was actually quite good, though a little weird especially if one is trying to call it pumpkin pie!

A really lovely zoom call with some friends and family where we sang the traditional Thanksgiving songs and shared gratitudes. Amazing what we can do on zoom that we couldn't even do in person - like get together with people who are far away.

All in all a lovely day and now, I am inspired to go to sleep... so who am I to argue!?!?

Much love all...

Happy for No Reason

 I'm feeling it again, that happy for no reason thing I felt years ago. I just want to go around and hug everyone which, this year, would have me thrown into jail I'm afraid. But yahoo... I am feeling so good. 

I am tempted to say, how do I hold onto this, but I think that is the thing that will kick it to the curb. I think the way to hold on is to just enjoy and appreciate. Wow. Life is currently absolutely amazing for me. Not that it hasn't always been. It probably has and I've just chosen to look somewhere else. It's not that I don't go diving into the gutter for moments at a time, but truly, it's now just moments at a time rather than days or weeks or months. I love this whole gratitude thing. Though I prefer appreciation as a concept, I am very aware how holding anything against a word or a concept or a person or an experience is the fastest way back into the gutter and you know what, I prefer it up here on my two feet slightly floating above the ground.

I am eagerly awaiting my daughter and her pumpkin pie to arrive sometime today, though eagerly would possibly indicate that I am trying to pull it toward me when I am fully cognizant that it will happen when it happens and that no matter when she shows up, it will be perfect. I feel so very blessed that she is in my life and I just relish any time we get to spend together whether it's on the phone or in person.

And what I wonder and long for is to feel that same relishing whenever I have the opportunity to connect with anyone of my species or really, any other. There is a great delight when I am walking and a dog who is approaching me looks so excited that I am part of his or her journey. It's almost like they're saying "Hey, You! Am I happy to see you. You can pet me if you like. I'd love to lick your hand!" It makes me smile and it makes me so appreciate this wonderful world.

I keep looking up because yesterday I created a zentangle that I can't keep my eyes off of. For some reason, I LOVE it. It makes me happy. They ALL make me happy to be honest. I am so filled with joy when I think about playing my little piano finger/note finding exercises, and when I do my zentangle. It just makes me appreciate so very much how finding these little things that make me feel connected to something bigger are so important to me. 

So I decided to include the zentangle page I am speaking of. The one that really fills me up is the one with the 'snail' on it. I love the others, but the snail one, for some reason... AND I love the remaining white space because that bestows the idea of possibilities - creations not yet created - but to come FOR SURE! 

Happy Thanksgiving all - I am thankful for anyone who reads this and everyone who does not. I am happy to be part of this messy thing we call life, and I pray, or at least hope that I have many more of these moments of being happy for no reason. AND, I think it's very interesting that I had this experience years ago, and then years later Marci Shimoff wrote a book by that title, and now I am participating (though not as full-heartedly as I might - which I am aware I am no longer beating myself up for - at least not in this moment) in her Year of Miracles class.

Love to peace and joy and blessings to us all. May the true spirit of Thanks Giving spread throughout our glorious country.​

A week of appreciation or gratitude or whatever word works for you...

 Pam Grout wrote a bunch of books. I've read a few - or parts of a few - and they are always uplifting and inspiring and for that I am extremely appreciative. I love when things make me smile. On her e-mail today, she told the story of a little boy who was enthralled by a caterpillar on a tree. When his parents told him it was time to leave, the little boy whispered to the caterpillar - 'good bye, I love you.' 

The other story was about a little girl who kept 'emergency confetti' in her pocket in case something good happened. I love that idea and might need to start keeping some emergency confetti in mine if only it helps me to look for good things that are happening!

The power of humor and love are inestimable (truly they are too great to calculate). 

So this one might have to do with the power of love. This is a little trick I learned from Dr. Sue Morter and Marci Shimoff. When you feel discomfort in the body or mind or emotions - feel where it is in the body - give it a little squeeze and say "I'm paying attention, I've got you," and then breathe into it, and then breathe up and down your spine and just hold for yourself and see what happens.

As Ron and Mary Hulnick of University of Santa Monica fame have said for years. Earth is a school. We're here to learn and sometimes learning has pain and frustration and all those other emotions that tell us we're not where we want to be, It's helpful to know that so we can start focusing on and moving toward where we do want to bee. That's funny, I wrote bee instead of be. I wonder why... and oh yeah... another amazing thing to do... WONDER... 

I heard a story from a friend years ago. Her sister is a lawyer and was trying someone. She said I wonder how I am going to get the information I need for this case... she just kept wondering... she was inspired, on the way to court that day to stop for breakfast in a little out-of-the-way coffee shop. She just happened to get seated behind the defendant and got all the information she needed.

Wonder a lot - I wonder how I will remember to use the skill of wondering. I wonder what the characters in my NANO novel are going to do next. I'm supposed to be done in 6 days, but I have 78 pages and have absolutely no idea how I can wrap everything up in another 18 pages! It feels like it will need at least another 78 pages... Hmm... I wonder how I can wrap this story up with a nice ending in about 18 more pages and 6 more days!

I'll let you know.

Awareness of little annoying things that I do

 I am starting to become really aware, in a different way than I ever have before, of the annoying little things that I do in my head. The judgments against, the snap judgments about, the mental snippiness and what is making me a little nuts is I don't know how to counter them, and yet, that's not true. Of course I do. I can do an immediate reality check. If I get snippy because someone is complaining a lot, I can just realize that I do that too sometimes, and that sometimes people need to get their feelings out and if I want to do something about it, if it is appropriate for me to say anything, I can ask, 'well what is it that you want?' That's a great question for me not to just ask others, but to ask myself.

When the snippiness starts I can simply ask myself 'hey Nance how would you like this to be, and does it really need to be any different?' The answer, I am sure will be that the other does not need to change a thing, that it is just my way of viewing it that needs to change.

Problem solved... now I just have to put it into practice and then report on it!

Taking stock - and mostly just rambling. Need to get this topic clearer in my head

 I am aware that I have been letting things go. I'm also aware that I need to make these words bigger so I can read them more easily...

This is the next size up. I think I like it. I think the large might be TOO big. So, taking stock. I became aware today, or not aware really, but I looked at the activities in my life and realized that I'm dropping things off the cliff that I thought I really wanted to keep doing, and I've already added things for next year that I'm wondering if I should be adding.

What I really got from all of this is that I need to make a plan and stick to it. I need to figure out what is important to me and why, what I am getting from it, and then either keep it in or say goodbye.

It's the clutter issue all over again. Time clutter I think is almost worse than paper and junk clutter. Time clutter steals life force - probably they both do but time is so limited, and then dealing with the other kind of clutter takes time so it's a double whammy, but when it's done, when an area gets cleared out, it does feel good. Tonight I went though all my coupons. I have a TON of Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons because they don't expire. But then last year I signed up for the program where you get 20% off of everything. I'm not going to sign up again for that until I get rid of the ones I have. And I'm not buying a lot of things from anywhere, so the coupons might not even get used.

I threw a bunch of coupons away and organized them so I can get to them easily. I'll see how it goes, but it felt good.

Speaking of coupons, I'm really not buying much these days. I've become aware of how little I really need. The only "stuff" I've been going after are my zentangle supplies. But after that... I almost went to Target today because I really like the foaming hand wash, and I'm almost out, but I have other hand wash products and I really should use those first, so I will.

I'm just rambling now, so I will sign off...

Did I say how much I love my life?

 The last few posts have looked at my foible-ish life. Today, I guess I pulled it together. So, the truth as I know it now.

1. Just do the shit - get it done - get it off my plate - don't just hang around waiting for it to somehow magically get done. Inspire myself however I can, just do it.

2. A way to create that inspiration is not to do general affirmations like - everything is always working out for me (though that is, fundamentally true), or Every day in every way my life is getting better and better and better, because those things - even 'I am healthy and happy' mean  Bupkis.

(Bupkis means absolutely nothing. It comes from the Yiddish bobkes, meaning nonsense or nothing, and it emerged in English during the early 20th century. It began as North American Jewish slang, but it's now used more broadly, often for humorous effect.)

Don't know if I created a humorous effect or not - but I really like the word. I really want to learn Yiddish (as if I don't already have enough on my plate - I actually have room for Bupkis!).

So... I had an interesting experience this morning. Mornings, during or after my meditation are always, it seems, times when interesting things happen. I woke up feeling sickish again. Took my temperature - lo and behold I had a fever 99 degrees (okay, not much of a fever). There was a part of me that was thrilled - after all I'd been spending so much time thinking I was sick - this was proof! I WAS sick! It wasn't just in my head. Law of attraction at work. My sinuses were feeling pretty awful so I decided to listen to Abraham (Abraham-Hicks) and 'take the drugs, dull the pain... and do the emotional work'. The emotional work turned out to be making the decision to feel better and to do it using specifics. Not a general 'I feel good' affirmation, but focus on what was actually feeling good. I realized, and this blew me away, that my toes felt good! I have been having neuropathy in my toes for ages (looking for and attracting the negative). Sometimes they really feel horrible, but I realized that they were feeling normal. They were feeling just like toes. It was so exciting, and then I said to myself - "It is so great that my chest is a little tight because I can actually feel my lungs and my heart" and I meant it! I started to mention other things that I appreciated and that felt good and lo and behold - the law of attraction said "Well finally!" and dragged me into a feel good day. 

I then had a full day of zoom meetings (that were all great) and an Abraham-Hicks seminar (where of course some of what had happened was described and discussed) and things turned out pretty great, except that it's already 10:30 and I have not done my NANO novel writing. Oooohhhh I can say that better (as Abraham loves to say). I love writing later at night. I feel that I am closer to all those wonderful souls who are writing with me and who have passed on to the other side and who were brilliant writers and looking for someone to help... so here I go... right after I hang up this blog phone, I will, and you know what, I think it will be great! Cool - I just heard Tony the Tiger in my head as I wrote that it would be GERRRATEEEE!

So Pollyanna is back! And I am thrilled to house her forever in my body. And she is cooking a turkey for Thanksgiving for herself and her daughter with lots of other wonderful things like sweet mashed potatoes and stuffing and gravy and pumpkin pie (not making the pie), and it is going to be great.

Did I say how much I love my life?

If you look for it - it will come

So I got an e-mail from Capital One saying that my phone number had been changed. I never changed my phone number.

I went on line to see if there had been any charges I didn't recognize, but there weren't. So I called. Found out that the cell number there was not my cell number. I spoke to someone there who transferred me to the fraud department. Forty-Seven minutes later the phone told me that it couldn't take my call and I should call back, or use the on-line options.

So, that pissed me off... I had also just filled out a survey for a time share I had stayed at last week. I was doing a retreat and thought going away would be better than being home. At home I have every distraction at my disposal, at a hotel, not so much. Plus I had an ocean view. I also had a train that went by a number of times a day, but I have that at home too, so no big deal.

Mostly, it was great, except for the concierge pretending that she knew the story of Abraham-Hicks and insisting to me that Esther Hicks learned how to be a channel using the same teacher she used. And she insisted that I was wrong when I said she didn't use any teacher to learn.

That got my goat. I let things get that goat of mine too often.

The four days were mostly great. The light in the living area went out. I called and a guy came to fix it. He then came back later with someone else so I had to lock myself in my bedroom to do the retreat while they fixed it. If they didn't fix it then, they didn't know when they would be able to. Okay, fine. Inconvenient, but not the end of the world. They had to move the heavy dining table to fix the light, but, they must have forgotten to move it back (or did they not move it back on purpose?). Again, not a big deal but annoying. I'm strong. I moved it back myself.

Finally, the day before I was checking out, I went to the office to see if I could get a late check out at 11:30 since I had a phone call I needed to make that would take me till 11, and I wanted some time to finish packing, etc.

I took my first load to the car (I brought my own food so there was more than there would usually be), and then when I went back in to get the rest of the stuff, I couldn't get the door to open. My key card no longer worked. I called the office and told them what happened, and that I'd gotten permission to stay till 11:30. She informed me that I was supposed to have checked out at 10, and that fact that I'd gotten permission to stay till 11:30 wasn't her problem (she didn't say it in such a mean way, but... she was not kind about it either. No apology, they didn't really care - and I'm supposed to be what they call a platinum member, but I guess that really doesn't mean anything to them.

Fifteen or so minutes later a very nice guy showed up, but I was not a happy camper. I got the rest of my stuff out and was more than happy to be leaving, which was too bad as I'd really had a nice time there.

So back to Capital One. As you can see, I had my 'hate the world' hat on and obviously I'm still attracting things that prove to me that the world is worth hating. Watching the news tonight didn't help either, and now I have a headache and am trying to decide if I should just go to sleep or take an aspirin first... anyway, it gave me my topic for today - if you look for it - it will come. And so it does - every single time.

I am feeling very uncomfortable

 I have allowed myself to be cornered again by things to do that I am not getting done. It literally feels like I am trying to climb a wall with wolves at my heals.

It's not that I'm getting nothing done. I am getting a lot done, and I am happy with what I am doing, but there is more, and it's starting to feel like I am behind the 8 ball. I agreed to change a meeting from today to tomorrow when I really need those hours to make some phone calls and just plow through a bunch of things.

I need to plan the next few weeks and then move things out of the way that I don't have time for, put things in that I need to, and make sure that I have a little time to just relax and take care of myself. This feels like a journal entry and not for public consumption, but frankly, I am pretty sure that the public is NOT consuming and so that's good.

I am also starting to wonder if I am 'right in the head.' There are things I think are pretty profound and yet when I attempt to communicate them, they don't translate in the same way I think they should. Also, I am aware that I am not remembering things and that is a bit on the frightening side. But they come back eventually. For instance, I couldn't remember the name of Stacy Abrams' organization, but it just showed up - Fair Fight... Maybe I am just tired, which I am. I went to sleep at 1 and got up at 5... not enough sleep for sure... so, commitment completed, I did this entry - it's kind of shit and that will happen sometimes.

Just Do It

Another interesting day - so that's getting boring already, they are ALL interesting days.

I finished the "main part" of my day with a family zoom call put together by a cousin. I wasn't sure that I was going to participate because I thought I had too much to do, but I did, and I was so happy that I did because the call was really great. I mean, REALLY great. It was so nice to see everyone. I am so lucky to have this family and it feels wrong that I never made more of an effort to hang out with them and get to know them. (thank you covid cause this NEVER would have happened - I think - without it). But that CAN be rectified. Not like my relationship with my next door neighbor Irene who passed away 5 days ago on Saturday. I guess I could still have a relationship with her internally (read my bio for this blog). I know that during covid it would have been challenging though we did 'see' each other a little, but even before that... we did get together. We went to movies and plays and out to eat once in a while. I really enjoyed Irene, and I could have made more of an effort to see her. But it's the 'effort' part that is tricky. What I want is to figure out how to get that internal urge to be larger so that that I just do it.

She is the one who turned me on to The Perfect Workout - the place I do my slow motion weight training, which I love, and credit with my wonderful bone scan. She also was my inspiration, once I started to have my nails done, to get fun things on them because she always had wonderful decorations on her nails that reflected holidays or just a whim. Her husband unexpectedly passed away a few days after we moved in more than 20 years ago. I never met him, but I know that he and Irene were soul mates, and they are (and I know this viscerally) together again.

People are where it is at, really, but I consider myself a loner. I often feel like I don't like people and don't want to be around them. But I think that's because I often feel guilty or wrong like I'm not doing friendship right. But I am now diverging in a yellow wood (look it up if you don't know the reference). It was a good path to go down, but that's not where I intended to go (which may be a good thing...  just go where it leads...), but I want to get back to the point I intended originally... HOWEVER, not doing that but staying the course I diverged onto could have been... but that is a conversation for another day or this will become a book! I am sorry for this inadvertent look inside my ping pong court of a head.

Where I started was Just Do It. I know, I have to give Nike the credit for that one, but they aren't wrong.

So... I finished the very nice zoom call I mentioned previously, and went downstairs. I thought I'd work on my Barcelona puzzle since I finished the 1000 piece USA puzzle - that was really fun, and challenging, and took a while to complete. I think I'm becoming more patient, for which I am grateful... (I almost deleted grateful and put appreciative... and THAT is another long story for a different time). SO... I was thinking I don't have to do my writing or any of the other things tonight, it's okay. My neck hurts, and I just want to relax. But as I sat there with my puzzle, I was asking myself - how will I feel tomorrow if I don't do it?

It wasn't a bolt of lightening from the sky or really anything much except that I decided that I really did want to do it. I wanted to do my 750 words (to keep the streak going), and I wanted to do the 1700 words I had to do on my NANO novel so that I could keep up to date and not have to 'cram' later. And I wanted to write this blog entry, though I didn't know what I wanted to write at the time. 

It's so interesting because there was nothing BIG that happened or guilt ridden or anything that MADE me get off the couch, turn off the news (it'll be there later), and go upstairs. I didn't do my piano or my Nia dancing or my Zentangle, but that's okay. Those are the things I am using to get myself comfortably and enthusiastically in the chair. And maybe tomorrow I will wish that I had done them. But I did the writing, and that is what was really important to me for now. I'm proud of myself for doing it, but it's a quite pride. I feel good, but that is also interesting. It's not a 'phew, now I don't have to feel guilty' good, it's just like. Hmmm. I did what I needed to do - it's calmer. It's a silent 'good.' It's not noisy or needing a fanfare or a pat on the back. I just did what I knew I needed to do.

This is kind of like my sisters. They do the political stuff they do because there is an inner urging to do it. So I believe "the trick" is to find that thing or those things that makes the inner urge more important than anything else, but in a peaceful way.

This is new for me, and I'm sure I will be looking at it again and perhaps more closely. But frankly, I am feeling really good, and peaceful, and calm, AND my neck no longer hurts which is interesting and can also become an entire blog post! I did take a break in the middle of my writing tonight to see if my sister had played her Scrabble hand, and to do a few tasks in "Wizard's Unite," by the people who brought you Pokémon Go. It's fun... and fun is way underrated.

So now - to the puzzle and the news...

I am having a blast writing my NANO novel and doing Zentangle and playing piano

 I feel like I am blossoming. I am loving all of the creative things I have started to include in my life.

I've been getting my piano tuned every six months since 2009. I just looked it up. My daughter started to take piano in 1998. So did I actually go without tuning my piano for 11 years, or was it someone else and I paid them in another way? That's kind of hard for me to believe, but... that is what my Quicken is telling me.

Anyway, that is a lot of money spent for not enjoying that instrument that sits in my living room and which I refuse to give up. I am having fun just playing scales and picking notes from a beginner book. I'm a slow learner. The notes evade me, but I figure if I do this every day for 6 months or so, I should get it. I've played before, but I've never been much of a 'reader.' I have a pretty good ear, and so I could, as long as I know what the piece is supposed to sound like, can figure it out and only really 'read' the music if I get stuck, in which case it's a challenge, so this time, I am learning to read.

Then there is Zentangle which I know I spoke about and am having a blast doing my drawings. I told a friend of mine, who really is an artist, about it and she is so excited. I'm sure next time we talk she will be an expert!

And then there's the writing. An old story... I went to see a psychic a very long time ago - my daughter was probably 10 or younger and she said to me that I should be writing. I knew I kind of liked writing, but I've really never thought I had a lot of talent. I have a lot of talented writer friends and so... anyway. It's fun, but I get lazy with it. However, now I am on fire... but back to the story... I went to see said psychic a few years later, and as she was opening the door to her office she looked back at me and said: "Why aren't you writing?!" That had to be more than 20 years ago. Well, finally, I am doing it. And I'm having fun. I still get a little daunted and I don't think the NANO novel I'm working on is all that wonderful, but some of it is amusing to me. I'll read it next year some time. I will put it in a drawer, probably on November 30th or December 1st, and just let it mellows for a few months. 

The writing isn't for anyone but me. I don't expect to sell this, or any other novel, though if I wrote something I thought was worthy, I might give it a shot. But just sitting down and allowing my creativity to flow freely is wonderful for me.

I think it is so important for me, and maybe for others, but I cannot speak for anyone but myself, to find what gives me that creative jolt. It could be anything, but it has to resonate. It has to feel inside like I am using my heart and mind and soul to the fullest. And that it brings me joy.

When I think about it, I start to wish I were still teaching. However, when I say that to myself and then follow it with: then go back and teach again, even just sub! There is a big part of me that says, 'no thanks!'

So for now, I want to allow my fun activities be fun for me and for no one else in particular.

So go have some fun!

It was a dark and stormy night... nah... not really...

This was an interesting day and what I am aware of is that all the writing I do is really important for and to me. 

I really thought this was a waste of a day, but it's not. It was actually quite an interesting day, in retrospect, anyway. When I was looking at what I hadn't done, it was definitely not so great, but now, as I've been writing about it, and because I realize that I WILL get everything done that I really want to get done today and if I don't get it all done, or as much, c'est la vie! And that's okay with me (and I'm a poet and don't even know it).

What I didn't do: my second meditation, A Course in Miracles, all this writing until very late in the day, and I didn't do my Zentangle before writing, and that blows me away because I LOVE my Zentangles and I even turned my friend Nancy on to it and she was so appetitive and excited about it, and that also happened today.

I have less than an hour to do everything I want to do. It's all date and time stamped, and needs to be done before midnight. I may not get all my 2000 words done for NANO today, but that's okay. I will do something! And reviewing the day has been so revelatory for me.

Yesterday, when I was coming home from the retreat, I saw my neighbor Irene's son, Mike in front of her house. Irene is an angel. We are 10  years apart. She was born in 42, I was born in 52. We've had some really lovely times together, but over the last few months she's been getting sicker and sicker, and she has a boyfriend, also named Michael, and I wonder how he's doing. I know has not been completely healthy, but I haven't seen him for ages. So when I saw Mike's car and Mike standing there, I just knew. Irene was no longer with us. I don't know why I didn't go over and speak with him, but the inspiration to do so was not there.

Her daughter came over today and told me that, and I feel so foolish because I kind of put her off because I was on the call with Joanna. I should have hung up with Joanna and gone right to being with Shannon. My heart is really hurting over that decision.

Another thing that happened, much less dramatic, was that I have this falling apart wooden work table in my back yard. I've been thinking I would really like to pull it apart and get rid of it. I had been wondering if the next time Jose, my gardener comes, if he could tear it apart and get it into the garbage bin. And today, lo and behold, he came by (I almost never know when that is going to happen), and I asked, and he did it (I paid for him to do it, but he completely deserved it and it's done, after probably a year of my thinking about it). And I think I actually thought about it the last time he was here but was somehow afraid to ask. Today I was inspired to ask. So now, I want to take the pots I have in the garden, and fill them with beautiful plants. It is my sincerest intention to do that.

I think that one of the plants should be an Amaryllis plant in honor of Irene. She loved them, and my God that woman had a green thumb! Everything she touched turned a beautiful green and bloomed like crazy.

Irene's husband died shortly after I moved in, and now Irene. I do regret not spending more time with her.

So these things all became hints for me in where to take my shamanic coming of age NANO novel. 

I think I will have my main character, Lucy, start to have experiences that she cannot explain. More and more, she will just know things, and then start to appreciate and love that she can do that, and then maybe she decides to teach her students how to do it, and then becomes world famous for helping to change the energies of the planet or something like that. Maybe one of the first things that happens (she's a teacher), is that she goes into the classroom and someone has played a joke and she just knows and goes right to whatever it is and the kids are freaked out. They think that someone told her. "How did you know that?" "An old ugly bird named Goldfish told me." Goldfish is the African Gray that lives with her.

During the day, I've been hearing Irene's beautiful laugh in my head. My Elvis loving friend. She was such a dear, sweet, woman. I wonder what they will do with the house. I wonder if Shannon will move it. I hope that Lacy, her granddaughter, and one of the sweetest young people I've ever met, sticks around. I really enjoy seeing and speaking with her. We both have a love of labradorite. Maybe I should give her my labradorite ring or one of the labradorite stones.

So this is a very eclectic and crazy post covering too many things and going back and forth, and it's getting so very late, so I will end it here. Suffice it to say that reviewing my day today had a lot of benefits, like realizing that my day was not a waste, but a lovely use of my time!

Another day

It's late, I'm tired, and I want to sleep. But I promised myself that I would write every day. I was really tempted not to write anything tonight from my 750 words to my NANO to this, but I am doing it all. I think it's really important for me to keep up with my promies, and there are a few that I did toss out the door today, but I know it makes me feel better. So tomorrow I will write about today which was an interesting one, and with the way I've been thinking, I am aware that everything that happens that I am not fond of, has a lesson for me or an explanation that I can figure out. So it's really all quite good. Tomorrow. Right now my bed calls.

Year of Miracles - final day - Day 4

I am still at the time share because even though I live alone, I don't want to go immediately back into all my old habits. I need one more evening to integrate.  I enjoyed the retreat. We had a lot of different guest speakers who guided us though everything from soul retrieval exercises, to ancestral healing exercises, to breathing exercises, to qui gong exercises, to learning how to interpret oracle cards. It was a lot. Lots of new and interesting perspectives, some time to connect with new friends and hear about their journeys. 

I will let the days settle a bit and move forward and do what I can to integrate. I hope we will get some of the recordings because some of the experiences were quite wonderful and I'd love to go through them again. 

I'm still moving through A Course in Miracles and getting more and more intrigued by what I am reading. It seems so much different now than the last time I did it, but I think that by the time I got to the lessons I am doing now, I was really more engaged with Insight Seminars and The Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness (MSIA).

ACIM lesson 140 is Only salvation can be said to cure. So... this was a bit confusing for me and leads me to the final question which is so what the heck are we doing here? We are talking about illusions. Basically it is ALL illusion. "What the world perceives as therapeutic is but what will make the body "better." SOOOO where this goes is pretty weird. The body is an illusion and if I have a headache and take an aspirin to feel better, then I am using an illusion to heal the illusion. So basically nothing is happening. It then says "When it (what is "it" exactly?) tries to heal the mind, it sees no separation from the body where it thinks the mind exists. Its forms of healing thus must substitute illusion for illusion."

Yikes. So what I'm getting, I think, is that the body is not real, the mind is not real, so... what is real? And why are we here? If nothing here is real, what is the point of anything? I am truly hoping that that question will be answered later on. The next interesting piece is that the cure is basically taking away guilt because it is guilt that makes sickness possible. That makes sense to some degree.

So the course is asking us to 'lay aside our amulets, our charms and medicines..." etc and be still and listen for the Voice of healing. Voice is capitalized on purpose. So again... Voice must equal God who is responsible for the "curing" of all illusions.

The lesson ends with "This is the day when separation ends, and we remember Who we really are."

Who is capitalized. So here is my interpretation... we are all bits of God in bodies but have forgotten that. So we need to remember that bit of us and then we will see that all the endless issues that we all face are nothing more than distractions from where and who we really are which is bits of God that really want to connect with all the other bits of God so that we can all run around and have a great time. But as long as we buy into the craziness around us, we are blocking ourselves from really knowing ourselves... very interesting... now what can I do with this? Next...

What a day! Your Year of Miracles Day 3.

I feel like I am waking after a very long nap that was filled with lots of amazing opportunities and experiences that have all been valuable, but which, for whatever reason, culminated (at least partly), today. I have been embarked upon a spiritual journey my whole life. Consciously since the age of 13; however, I believe that whatever happened today and the days leading up to today, have allowed me to download the lessons in a way that I am, perhaps (I hope), finally getting them. Lessons from life experiences I had many years ago, but was obviously not ready to receive at the time - though there is more of a conversation to be had regarding that, but not for now. 

I feel renewed, and it is a pretty amazing feeling. 

I also realized today what my NANO novel is actually about. That was pretty exciting for me! It wasn't a problem because I had decided early on that I was just going to let my characters have free rein and I was just coming along for the ride. I'm at nearly 22,000 of my required 50,000 words, so considering that I'm nearly half way there, I have to laugh that I had no idea where I was going. Or more honestly, I had the shadow of an idea, but like I said, I was just along for the ride. I am writing, or so it seems, about a Shamanic awakening (time to research!).

This afternoon we had a most amazing woman - a Shaman - working with us on releasing old stuff. Ancestral healing is, I believe, what she called it. What I wound up working with were experiences from earlier in this life. I came to understand the lessons from experiences that, at the time, I was not yet open to see for what they were. I wasn't willing or perhaps able to receive those gifts at the time.

From my current vantage point I realize that what I am about to say is harsh, but it seems the best way to couch it. So, it seems almost stupid that I let those experiences have such a long-term, deleterious effect on my self-esteem and well being as I now see so clearly the gifts that were there, even then, for the taking. NOW, I realize that I did the best I could at the time and that it is all good - really.

I got a sense of what I must have experienced at the time that shut me down and put me into self-protect mode thus shutting me off from those around me, when I shared one of the experiences with my sister. I'd been on a road trip with a boyfriend when I was in my 20s. I had just finished talking to him about something that was important to me (I have no idea what it was now, so could it have been that important, really? It was, after all, the red herring for a growth and learning opportunity).

When I was finished, I asked him what he thought. He said "About what?" I said, "What I just said." He said, as if this were perfectly normal, "Oh, I don't know, I wasn't listening."

That was the end of the relationship, but I am pretty sure that I did not let him know how I felt. And to this day, I don't speak my mind all the time because I assume that what I have to say has no value.

When I told my sister the story, she was very sad for me - her response was basically - aw - I'm so sorry - poor Nancy. When I had the experience I was sad for me too.

Today, I was astounded when I realized that this was an amazing gift - a shiny purple gem of a gift that I didn't appreciate until now, probably 45 years later. The gift: being heard, AND more important (or at least as important), listening, are possibly the most important things a person can do or receive.

I know that when I really feel heard, it fills my heart and makes me feel astonishingly joyful - not jumping up and down joyful, but a deep, abiding, magnificent joyful. And I know what when I really hear another, that I feel like I have been given a gift too. I have been entrusted with the heart, mind, spirit of another. Up until now I have not, I believe, been a very good listener or a very good friend because of that. I think up until now I have been more interested in hearing myself talk, myself think, myself explain. I am actually excited to see if this experience has truly made, or will truly make a difference in my life.

And that was just ONE of the things I got from this particular segment, and there have been many different, amazing, joyful, playful, creative, enlivening segments.

So now, it is time to go to sleep because we have one more day, and it's already late, and I really want to be available and open to all the gifts yet to be bestowed.

If you're curious, check out Your Year of Miracles 2021. I've already signed up. I want another dose of this!

And speaking of DOSE... check this out...  https://www.daybreaker.com/city/live/

Time to dance with Radna Agrawal of Daybreak was one of our first 'gifts.'

Day Two Year of Miracles Retreat

 Today was a bit of a horror show and also really good so it was, frankly a very mixed bag.

In the morning we were introduced to Rob Wergin who is an energy worker. He is, and I am getting this from his website, A sacred conduit for Divine Energies of pure light and unconditional love. Well I don't know what he did, but after our session with him I felt really good.

But the day started off ragged. I didn't get to do my meditation till much later than usual. The whole thing felt off kilter. I don't want to talk about the other crazy things that 'went wrong,' except for another person later who did breath work with us.

I basically freaked out and left. I wound up with a lot of pain in my ribs on my left side, and I started to cry, and I just got up and left. I went for a walk on the beach, so it turned out okay for me except that I missed another guest speaker who I would have liked to have heard, but I think all of this is being recorded, so I will probably be able to listen later.

Now here's the interesting thing... The facilitators yesterday mentioned what to do with difficult emotions rather than pushing them down or running away from them, which is what I did.

They mentioned it again today which was good because I had forgotten that. And I realized a few things, like that I really wanted to watch the Lincoln Project Town Hall which was happening at the same time, and which I had gotten an invite to after not having gotten one for a few weeks.

I didn't look at it logically or in any way that made any sense. As it turns out, I got to watch the town hall on YouTube, though most of them have not been recorded for YouTube, so I didn't know if I'd be able to.

That was the thing, I think, that really got me going. I was doing what I thought I should be doing rather than what I wanted to be doing. I also hadn't thought it through (I had sort of because I stayed), but I didn't really make that decision consciously and on purpose.

I also started this whole retreat thinking I didn't really belong and shouldn't go because I hadn't done most of the work during the year so I felt like I was a student going in for the final when I hadn't read the book or done most of the homework. I didn't want to be here, but at the same time, I did.

So I have a lot of these push-me/pull-me things going on inside and I really need to come to grips with them and sort it all out or somehow just shift it all.

Today's ACIM lesson, which I also didn't do as a stellar student was "I will accept Atonement for myself, for I remain as God created me."

I know there is a lot for me in those lessons, and I know that there is a lot for me in this work with Year of Miracles. Trying to figure out if I should do it again. I would need a reason - a specific reason of something that I want to accomplish that I think that YOM would help me get to.

I'm also wanting to learn piano, do more with Zentangle, and I still have all the business stuff I need to do. Is it too much? What can I leave out and do later? What am I getting the most from... oh yeah, then there's this blog, my 750 words.com, and my NANO novel. Which, I really should decide to rewrite if I think it has any merit, which right now, it does not. But don't let my characters hear me say that, they'll get pissed. They think they have a purpose and that their 'stuff' is important. So who am I to argue?

I have so many things I am doing right now and next year I also want to do Martha Beck's class on counseling. I'm also doing Inner U, and Course in Miracles, and Abraham, and truly, the one that doesn't really fit is Inner U. It's very practical. Do it, make promises, here and now living in the world stuff. Everything else is pretty much airy fairy.

Frankly, I love it all, but really, all I want is peace. And right now, maybe some sleep.

Too Tired Just an Outline - More tomorrow when my time management gets better

 I caught back up! Yahoo! Yahoo! Yahoo! I wrote even more words than I needed to on my NANO novel which is just getting crazier and crazier, but that's what happens when you let the characters do whatever the heck they want. ALSO, I'm finding that my ACIM lesson for the day is contributing to the plot.

First day of Year of Miracles retreat - very interesting. I am becoming aware of a lot of the ways I feel about things that are not very helpful. So I'll get to work on them over the next few days which I really appreciate.

The people next door to me at the time share where I am staying so that I don't get distracted by all the things that are at home, watching Mama Mia. I've got to get to sleep. My jaw is aching, my butt still hurts, but my pinkie wound is lots better. I might not even go to the doctor's tomorrow. Might just pass - why get seen if I don't need to be.

Anyway, off to bed, but I wanted to write something before leaving this earth plane for the night... tomorrow is another day.

Just a few words

 I am not having an easy time typing today because I cut my finger on a French Press carafe that I either fell and broke or that broke and then I fell. So my finger hurts and they decided to use the butterfly strips rather than stitches because I was a wuss at the beginning not wanting stitches. I've never had them. I finally said sure, the nurse talked me into it, and then the doctor said, 'Oh I think we can get away with the strips. But I wasn't aware of how much I use my pinkie to type and I am noticing that the blood stain is spreading.

So I think I need to really slow it down and let my hand rest which actually excites me because I think I can watch some TV, make my list of things I need to gather for a retreat I am attending starting on Wednesday, and then go to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a bit busy... I am not sure if I should stay here or at the hotel. It kind of depends upon how much I get done.

So if I were going to do more on this blog, I'd be working on trying to figure out why I am doing things like getting so sick that I can't keep up with my commitments - I figure part of it is that sickness is a good excuse to not have to do things I don't really want to do. But I know there is more. I'll dream on it, and maybe get stitches tomorrow so that I can move forward with my life without thinking about this stuff - including now the lump growing in my butt from when I fell. It was really quite a good fall. I pushed myself further away from the pile of glass near where the carafe broke very cognizant of not wanting to fall on the glass. I'd already sliced my finger.

Finger screaming. Need to end this now... 

I just went down stairs to see if I could find the word for the strips that they used on me to close the wound, but it wasn't on the sheet. What was there was that they gave me a DTAP shot!! I thought I was just getting Tetanus. They gave me Diphtheria, Tetanus and Acellular Pertussis!!! I was aware that my arm was hurting and then remembered why... oh those people... I will have to have a word!

Finger and emotions screaming, so I REALLY need to end this now... 

I feel badly about not posting yesterday and don't want to do it again

 I was sick yesterday. My stomach. No idea what it was from or what to do about it (and it's not completely better). But, I slept from 6:30 till 6:30 with a short break at 10:30 when I woke and wondered if I should do my writing for the day. My better sense (maybe/maybe not I will never know as I can't go backwards), told me to go back to bed, which I did.

What is interesting, is that my ACIM lesson for the day was "Sickness is a defense against the truth." I did it again today, and every time that I started to feel ill (headache, or stomach, or whatever, I used the patter of: "I have forgotten what I really am, for I mistook my body for myself. Sickness is a defense against the truth. But I am not a body. And my mind cannot attack. So I can not be sick.

Interestingly, when I used those words a number of times today, the 'thing' that was going on vanished. Until later tonight. I've been saying it, but I guess I am having a hard time remembering.

I am feeling unsettled in so many ways right now, and all I want is to feel better not just in body, but in mind.

I am aware that I am allowing this election, though it is over (it's not really unless Trump concedes because according to the constitution he can still steal the election through the electoral collage. A coup is still possible, and that is a more than disturbing thought. If you want to be disturbed too, you can go to YouTube and look for Van Jones' TED talk on concession). The good news is that there are things people can do to stop it. And I believe that we will because a lot of people love living in a democratic country run by kind people.

I think I have fallen down a rabbit hole and the only way out is through. So that is what I am doing. I will get done the things I need to get done, and I will hang in there because that is important. And I will keep writing here no matter what it looks like because I promised myself I would.

I wonder what would have happened if I'd walked to the computer at 10:30, nauseous, chest hurting, and all in all feeling pretty awful - I wonder if I had not let that stop me, what today would have been like.

It wasn't a bad day, but I wonder if it could have been a great day.

I think I am telling myself lies about not feeling well - not that I don't feel it in my body - but if ACIM is right, then I cannot let the lies take over. I have to stand up to them, like we have to stand up for our democracy, the most fragile, valuable, and wonderful form of government there is.

Bring back Kindness... I will get those signs printed.

Who I really want to be is who I really am

So yesterday, I ended my post about 'taking care of myself vs. taking care of myself' with the lesson from A Course in Miracles "If I defend Myself I am attacked."

Last night I read that lesson and did the meditation. My problem with the course these days is that I've been interpreting to to be saying that I should just become a puppet of God's. Let God lead the way - ask what God wants me to do, etc. But since I've been studying the work of Abraham (Abraham-Hicks.com), I've come to believe that God and I are one - like REALLY - we are all God - there is nothing "out there" that is going to do it. We're it. OUR HIGHEST SELVES are it. not the little part that stubs its toe or is bratty or chicken-like, etc.  I don't want something out there to tell me what to do. And then, as I was reading and re-reading certain sections of the lesson it hit me... This was the statement: 

"A healed mind does not plan. It carries out the plans that it receives through listening to Wisdom that is not its own..." And then it hit me like the commercials "I could'a had a V8."

When I read it the first time, I read that 'I am a puppet to a force outside of myself,' but this time I read it as - very much like Abraham says - "I" am part of something greater than my mind is. My mind is not ME, and ME is part of God, (little self vs BIG SELF)... I was kind of reading it like I had no value and need to get messages from something outside of myself, and now I am interpreting as if it is the inner being me the Source Energy me that I am connecting with... 

Receiving this understanding yesterday made me ripe to receive clarity on other mis-interpretations that are against myself and others.

I often feel like I have to defend myself against the time share assholes and the jerks who are constantly calling and e-mailing me to give money to this cause or that cause or the other cause.

I am always fighting against something.

Then today, when I heard Joe Biden talk about being a president not just the people who voted for him, but also those who did not, and then talking about how strong, vigorous debates are good, but the purpose of our politics is not unrelenting warfare, but to solve problems. And then he said... we may be opponents, but we are not enemies. And I thought about how I'd been feeling. Vengeful, angry, revenge seeking, and I had to step back and realize that that is not me. That is not who I am or who I want to be. I want not to be an enemy to anyone even for a moment. I might have opposing views or desires, but the person asking something of me is not an enemy, but a co-habiting human on this planet. 

Again, from Harold and Maude (guess I need to watch this movie soon!), Maude was talking about loving people and saying they are her species. 

So thanks Joe for the reminder that everyone here is my species (not that we shouldn't also get along with other species as well - but that is a topic for another time). Having opposing views does not make us enemies. It gives us something to discuss. If I defend myself, I am attacked. 

Can I trust myself to know when I will need help?

 Age is a really weird thing. I am 68, and I am healthy. It is not beyond the realm of the possible that I will sign up to do another half marathon. A whole marathon - if I even mention that - sign me up for a bed at the place where they put people who no longer have the ability to make their own decisions.

I got an offer from Kaiser today to get one of those devices that will call someone if I need help. I looked at it for just a tad too long, and then sent it to my kid with a note saying 'what do you think?'

She said, 'I don't know what do you think?'

I responded. Well, I feel young enough, but I do live alone and if anything ever happened to me I might just be SOL (shit outta luck). I have a friend. She is rather old. In her late 80s or early 90s. I have a lot of friends up in the stratus-ago-osphere. They are pretty awesome, but they sometimes don't get that they need help. So I told Sarah, I don't think I need it now, but if I ever start to get a little batty and you don't trust that I'm going to do what I need to do, tell me, and I'll get one then.

I do have to say that once in a while I think 'what would happen if I fell and couldn't get up... which is what happened to this friend. A bunch of our other friends hadn't heard from her in a while and couldn't reach her, so some of them went over to her house and found her passed out on the floor. She'd been there for a few days. She is fine, more or less, now, but is living in a 'facility.' It's nice. She has her own apartment, but they check on you from time to time and there are a lot of other people around. She could no longer be in her home alone.

This has gotten heavy and depressing. But maybe making sure that all is or will be well is not depressing but smart. I don't think that anyone would say preparing a will (even when one is younger) or a trust if necessary, is depressing. It's smart. It's a good move, something worth thinking about and doing - it's like insurance.

So, to turn it into a more miraculous thought, I know I can trust that if I ever need that kind of "protection," I will know it because that little voice inside (that I am getting better and better at listening to) will let me know, and I will follow it. And until that time, all is well and I will just get on with my day.

And then, and I am just going to mention it - not follow it down a rabbit hole - A Course in Miracles lesson 135: "If I defend myself I am attacked." A conversation for another time. And I am about to go down that rabbit hole and read that lesson... maybe a conversation for tomorrow...

I'm such a good girl! I'm eating my veggies before dessert!

I have been away from the TV pretty much all day. I was feeling down this morning (the election), but my daughter pointed me back up in the right direction (thank you and God bless you daughter!).

I've been doing my NANO novel for a good part of the day along with all my my pre-stuff activities and my on-line meeting with the Cape Cod NANO group. Such fun... I am having a blast with this even though I don't know where I'm going... I feel like I'm following the bread trails that my characters are throwing on the ground. I have created some interesting characters, that I can say. At least I think they are interesting. And at this point, that's ALL that matters.

When I got up this morning I was thinking about how much the political climate was feeling like the revolutionary war. We have the Loyalists (aka Trumpers), and the patriots (AKA the anti-Trumpers and/or the Biden/Harris group). 

I thought, I wish I knew more about that war, but I do know someone who does! I called her - she lives 3 hours ahead of me back east (it was early in California), and I asked her if she knew the percentage of people who were Loyalists and the percentage that were patriots. 

She didn't, but said she had a book that might enlighten her. She called me back later. Interestingly, 1/3 were loyalists, 1/3 were patriots, and 1/3 were undecided.... VEDDDY INTERESTING...as Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes (TV not film) used to say.

I mentioned it to Sarah (daughter) and she sent me 3 documents containing a spiritual teacher's writings about that exact thing (relationship of the situation now with the past situations). I haven't read them yet, but am very excited to do that when I get a minute... I will get a minute because I am very curious!

I feel so good today considering so much of the country has been in chaos! Thank God for our minds that can take us to where we want to be even when we are not there.

Election Day but there are already too many people talking about that

So James Carville is my new positive thinking guru. I had already allowed my nervousness to take me to the fridge. Been doing that a lot lately. I'm getting all my questions answered...

When Susan Peirce Thompson said that she gained back all her weight in very little time I thought, "How is that even possible?" Well I hope I don't go all the way back, but okay... At the beginning of my weight loss journey with Bright Line Eating I was doing amazingly well and IT WAS EASY. And I just didn't understand why it wasn't easy for everyone. I get it now. I really wish I didn't always need to learn my lessons through personal experience.

So back to James Carville - he played Pollyanna today and said in his lovely Georgia accent "Democrats, put the razor blades and the Ambien back in the medicine cabinet. Everything is going to be fine." I laughed, I needed the laugh, and then I decided that I had tortured myself enough tonight and so decided to come up here and see if I had anything to say to my loyal audience of one (that would be me). 

I am having a blast, (I wrote more or less and then decided that that was not accurate it was more than less and then I though why the hell am I even quantifying it? Why can't it just say I am having a blast?) with my NANOWRIMO novel. I have, however, written myself into a corner and don't exactly know where I'm going. I'm going to ask my dreams to present a possibility for me while I am sleeping. Hopefully, my creative subconscious will oblige me. I figured out what word count I needed to get to today and it turned out to be 5,129. I thought, I'll make it to 5, 229 because I was born on the 29th of October in 1952... I got there, exactly!

I'm actually feeling really great. Guess I'm trusting Carville who is part of one of the most interesting couples in the world. Left winger married to right winger Mary Matalin. To me that says a lot. It says that someone can love another even if there is something about their lives that is completely opposite. The other couple that really blows my mind is Kellyanne Conway and George Conway. She is the person who came up with Fake News or was it alternative facts... And Conway helped to start the Lincoln Project. How on earth could they be together? Well, I guess they are both republicans but then there are republicans and republicans and they have now both quit their jobs Trump/Lincoln to be there for the kids. Good decision - especially on Kellyanne's port.

Day two of National Novel Writing Month

I don't know exactly how many times I've "won" (written 50,000 words in 30 days) NANOWRIMO - so I checked it out and OMG I started 8 times, but only completed 3 times. 3 times - that is somewhat embarrassing (because I really thought I'd written like 6 novels!), but oh well, it is what it is.

I am determined to finish my novel this time. I kind of have a story (I fleshed it out a little during a group write with my Cape Cod NANO group) during a zoom call. I got involved with this group that is 3000 miles away during my first adventure in NANO land in 2008. 

This 'novel' is kind of writing itself, which is, to me, the most fun way for things to happen - letting ideas just pop in and then following them wherever they lead. Odd things happening that are unexplainable even to me (for now), and I just follow the thread.

There is something nice about having a quantity rather than quality goal. That is what Chris Baty, founder of NANOWRIMO suggests. That way I can keep moving and not let things like absolutely inexplicable and maybe even stupid plot points stop me. They could get resolved as I wind my way to 50,000 words. I'm only at 3,468 right now (that is, by the way, not just on-track, but I could even finish a day early if I keep up that pace!). 

So seat of the pants writing is actually how I would like to live my life. Just following threads that feel right, and knowing that when and if necessary, I will figure "it" (whatever it is) out. Just follow my gut and listen to my inner nudgings and keep moving. Kind of like Maude in Harold and Maude. If you don't know Harold and Maude - check it out. It's only on DVD with Netflix, but it's included in Amazon Prime (I did your leg work for you - now go watch it unless you don't have either then you are on your own)!

So... the miracle in all of this is two fold. First, I've been writing early in the day which is amazing because, somehow, I wind up feeling like I have more time in the day!

Every day for the last 2 months I've been writing 750 words a day through the site 750words.com. I wouldn't usually do it till the end of the day, sometimes very late in the day. I wonder if I was thinking about it all day long, and so it weighed on me as something I would need to do, but having done it early, I have the rest of the day to do other things. I might need to start writing this blog earlier in the day as well, though I like to see what the day brings before I do this... I'll see... Anyway, early writing seems to make me feel like I have more time.

The other miracle is other creative endeavors that are opening to me. Before I start to write I do three things. I play piano for 15 minutes. I do a one song Nia dance party, and then, the pièce de résistance, I do a Zentangle for 15 minutes. So far, My day two Zentangle is either 1/2 to 2/3 complete. I have enough white space to do more tomorrow and maybe even enough for a 4th 15 minutes on day 4. 

On October 23rd I started to talk about my journey with Zentangle and even shared my first two. I like my third one even more, and the one I'm doing on my own is really creating heart flutters! I think that this art form has my heart and is a wonderful form of self-expression for me.

So - piano. Haven't played for years. Never really learned to read music. I am LOVING just doing scales. I think by the end of the month I might even be able to at least sort of read music! And then the dancing. Well, it is really fun to move my body and I don't do it enough. I walk a lot, but walking is NOT dancing!

So those are my wonderful miracles - more time, and having fun being creative in different ways.

The reason I am doing the piano, Nia, and Zentangle is that I was given an assignment in Pam Grout's book Art & Soul Reloaded to "create some ritual to perform before you begin your projects."

So I decided it might be fun, before I got down to writing, to open up different creative centers which made me think I should play the piano downstairs that I get tuned twice a year but that is never touched outside of that! Thank you Pam - and being willing to create Zentangles on my own without a class - meditataive, creative, artistic - thank you Pam - and dancing - well that's really a thank you Emily Fletcher (founder of Ziva Meditation), but also a few friends who told me about Nia - which is fun and somehow freeing. All three are actually!

In an earlier assignment, Pam told us to start a blog. I'd started this one years ago, but her insistence got me to start up again and I am loving doing this! It is fun. It is a way for me to explore my thoughts and ideas and to share them with any poor soul who stumbles upon this!

I haven't been doing my Course in Miracles lessons lately, and I'm okay with that for now. I will wait until I am inspired to do them again before continuing because as I am learning - forcing myself only builds resistance and resisting is the best way to NOT accomplish!

I hope that at some point I am brave enough to talk a little about the novel I am writing. But for now, it's my own personal deep, dark secret. Plus at 3,468 words there really isn't much to talk about - which really isn't true, but since I have no idea where I'm going with it... I'll keep it under wraps for now!

Can't sleep without writing something

 Not feeling so great again, but it was really a pretty good day! Need to sleep.

What's gone wrong?

 I am having a really hard time right now. First of all, I know that feelings are just that, not 'real,' and definitely not permanent. So right now, KNOWING WHAT I JUST SAID, I am feeling alone and lonely and a little scared. Tomorrow is the first day of NANOWRIMO and I've committed to writing another novel. For some reason this feels really challenging this year and really scary. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe all the feelings inside me are just my characters and situations getting ready to explode on to the page or wriggle out onto the page? . I almost didn't write today, I don't want to turn this into a kvetch fest blog. But I made a promise to myself to write daily, and that is what I am doing.

I'm reading a really excellent book right now called The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. And just finished another one called The Nix. They are both complex stories and I think I've dumped myself into comparison mode... I know I need to dump that thought!

I just found out it's a movie. I'm not watching the movie until I finish the book, though I'm really wanting to find out where I can watch it... 

It is so interesting for me to watch my mind. I wanted to get the name of the author, so I just flipped over to google and googled the title and all that came up was a bunch of information about the movie. Uh oh - it's a scary/ghost type movie. I didn't get that from the book - at least not yet... 

So now I really want to see if it's on Netflix - be right back...

Looks like it might be a challenge to find. AND...

It's not a friggin' ghost story! Here is what the library has posted (yes I decided to see if I could get the movie there) A compelling emotional mystery about family secrets and the magic of books and storytelling. A dying writer bids a young bookshop assistant to write her biography.

OMG it's about the magic of books and storytelling!!! This is perfect! I'm feeling much better now. And also that I cannot get the movie at the library is also a good thing. I have enough on my plate with writing a novel in a month, the election happening in 3 days, a few big projects I need to work on over the next few weeks and a retreat in the middle of it...

I think I need to meditate more... need to start fitting in that 2nd meditation every day like I used to...

Hmmm... I used to... so many I used tos... I wonder what happened to make me let them all go. Wonder if I can follow those strings. Hmmm... another short story series looking at I used tos? Well I don't need to make a decision till tomorrow!

And by the way... "I wonder" is a pretty cool tool to use. More on that later!

Sometimes I have no idea why I am feeling so happy - but I like it like it yes I do!

Ah music - sometimes the lyrics just pop into my head at the end of a sentence I am writing and I just have to let the world in on my thoughts - thus the "like it like it yes I do..." (thank you Rolling Stones and rock n' roll) 

So the next time I have a day kind of like today where I feel really good and don't quite know why except that I sing in the shower and dance all over the place and eat well and am gentle with myself and laugh easily... and have fun, I know that I just want to relish it as much as I can. I think I did that today, but I wonder if I can make it an even bigger deal inside of myself in order to "grow it."

Maybe it has to do with my Course in Miracles lesson for today: "Above all else I want to see things differently." Maybe all that entailed was being open to other options and not really "seeing" anything differently, per se, but realizing that there is joy and playfulness and fun in everything and anything and then just going with it.

I'm sure that is completely not helpful. But then, is another's positive trajectory and personal changes ever helpful to another other than the acknowledgement that if it's possible for one, it's possible for all?

It's so funny because I am really open to everything that is coming up tomorrow including a possibly difficult conversation that I need to have with a dear friend who is more like a brother to me. I won't write it here because he might read this and if he did, before I got to speak with him, that would be uncomfortable and unfair as well...

I love my morning routine and tomorrow I am going to get to walk with a friend on the phone. We will just talk (I'll have my headphones so anyone else on the trail doesn't have to hear my friend's part of the conversation). She'll be walking on her trail and I'll be walking on mine. So fun. So good. I am actually really looking forward to that and it feels different than in the past. There is no 'maybe I should be doing something else instead going on in my head.' That is a typical phrase and is what gets me into trouble - like I wrote about yesterday...

I just want to stay awake and aware and figure it all out... and that is totally wrong. I DON'T want to figure it out. I don't need to, I just want to appreciate it. I want to enjoy that that is what is going on. Before Marci Shimoff came out with her book Happy for No Reason, I actually had that experience. All I remember is that it was a nice day, I was walking down a street and realized that I was happy and then realized that there was no reason for my happiness and that made me feel so good I realized that that is what I wanted from then on... well, I didn't get it, but the experience has lingered, and today felt kind of like that.

Good things happened and I had fun, but my mood was not tied to any of them. What a blessing. Today was really very blessed indeed.