I feel like I am waking after a very long nap that was filled with lots of amazing opportunities and experiences that have all been valuable, but which, for whatever reason, culminated (at least partly), today. I have been embarked upon a spiritual journey my whole life. Consciously since the age of 13; however, I believe that whatever happened today and the days leading up to today, have allowed me to download the lessons in a way that I am, perhaps (I hope), finally getting them. Lessons from life experiences I had many years ago, but was obviously not ready to receive at the time - though there is more of a conversation to be had regarding that, but not for now.
I feel renewed, and it is a pretty amazing feeling.
I also realized today what my NANO novel is actually about. That was pretty exciting for me! It wasn't a problem because I had decided early on that I was just going to let my characters have free rein and I was just coming along for the ride. I'm at nearly 22,000 of my required 50,000 words, so considering that I'm nearly half way there, I have to laugh that I had no idea where I was going. Or more honestly, I had the shadow of an idea, but like I said, I was just along for the ride. I am writing, or so it seems, about a Shamanic awakening (time to research!).
This afternoon we had a most amazing woman - a Shaman - working with us on releasing old stuff. Ancestral healing is, I believe, what she called it. What I wound up working with were experiences from earlier in this life. I came to understand the lessons from experiences that, at the time, I was not yet open to see for what they were. I wasn't willing or perhaps able to receive those gifts at the time.
From my current vantage point I realize that what I am about to say is harsh, but it seems the best way to couch it. So, it seems almost stupid that I let those experiences have such a long-term, deleterious effect on my self-esteem and well being as I now see so clearly the gifts that were there, even then, for the taking. NOW, I realize that I did the best I could at the time and that it is all good - really.
I got a sense of what I must have experienced at the time that shut me down and put me into self-protect mode thus shutting me off from those around me, when I shared one of the experiences with my sister. I'd been on a road trip with a boyfriend when I was in my 20s. I had just finished talking to him about something that was important to me (I have no idea what it was now, so could it have been that important, really? It was, after all, the red herring for a growth and learning opportunity).
When I was finished, I asked him what he thought. He said "About what?" I said, "What I just said." He said, as if this were perfectly normal, "Oh, I don't know, I wasn't listening."
That was the end of the relationship, but I am pretty sure that I did not let him know how I felt. And to this day, I don't speak my mind all the time because I assume that what I have to say has no value.
When I told my sister the story, she was very sad for me - her response was basically - aw - I'm so sorry - poor Nancy. When I had the experience I was sad for me too.
Today, I was astounded when I realized that this was an amazing gift - a shiny purple gem of a gift that I didn't appreciate until now, probably 45 years later. The gift: being heard, AND more important (or at least as important), listening, are possibly the most important things a person can do or receive.
I know that when I really feel heard, it fills my heart and makes me feel astonishingly joyful - not jumping up and down joyful, but a deep, abiding, magnificent joyful. And I know what when I really hear another, that I feel like I have been given a gift too. I have been entrusted with the heart, mind, spirit of another. Up until now I have not, I believe, been a very good listener or a very good friend because of that. I think up until now I have been more interested in hearing myself talk, myself think, myself explain. I am actually excited to see if this experience has truly made, or will truly make a difference in my life.
And that was just ONE of the things I got from this particular segment, and there have been many different, amazing, joyful, playful, creative, enlivening segments.
So now, it is time to go to sleep because we have one more day, and it's already late, and I really want to be available and open to all the gifts yet to be bestowed.
If you're curious, check out Your Year of Miracles 2021. I've already signed up. I want another dose of this!
And speaking of DOSE... check this out... https://www.daybreaker.com/
Time to dance with Radna Agrawal of Daybreak was one of our first 'gifts.'
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