What's gone wrong?

 I am having a really hard time right now. First of all, I know that feelings are just that, not 'real,' and definitely not permanent. So right now, KNOWING WHAT I JUST SAID, I am feeling alone and lonely and a little scared. Tomorrow is the first day of NANOWRIMO and I've committed to writing another novel. For some reason this feels really challenging this year and really scary. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe all the feelings inside me are just my characters and situations getting ready to explode on to the page or wriggle out onto the page? . I almost didn't write today, I don't want to turn this into a kvetch fest blog. But I made a promise to myself to write daily, and that is what I am doing.

I'm reading a really excellent book right now called The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. And just finished another one called The Nix. They are both complex stories and I think I've dumped myself into comparison mode... I know I need to dump that thought!

I just found out it's a movie. I'm not watching the movie until I finish the book, though I'm really wanting to find out where I can watch it... 

It is so interesting for me to watch my mind. I wanted to get the name of the author, so I just flipped over to google and googled the title and all that came up was a bunch of information about the movie. Uh oh - it's a scary/ghost type movie. I didn't get that from the book - at least not yet... 

So now I really want to see if it's on Netflix - be right back...

Looks like it might be a challenge to find. AND...

It's not a friggin' ghost story! Here is what the library has posted (yes I decided to see if I could get the movie there) A compelling emotional mystery about family secrets and the magic of books and storytelling. A dying writer bids a young bookshop assistant to write her biography.

OMG it's about the magic of books and storytelling!!! This is perfect! I'm feeling much better now. And also that I cannot get the movie at the library is also a good thing. I have enough on my plate with writing a novel in a month, the election happening in 3 days, a few big projects I need to work on over the next few weeks and a retreat in the middle of it...

I think I need to meditate more... need to start fitting in that 2nd meditation every day like I used to...

Hmmm... I used to... so many I used tos... I wonder what happened to make me let them all go. Wonder if I can follow those strings. Hmmm... another short story series looking at I used tos? Well I don't need to make a decision till tomorrow!

And by the way... "I wonder" is a pretty cool tool to use. More on that later!

Sometimes I have no idea why I am feeling so happy - but I like it like it yes I do!

Ah music - sometimes the lyrics just pop into my head at the end of a sentence I am writing and I just have to let the world in on my thoughts - thus the "like it like it yes I do..." (thank you Rolling Stones and rock n' roll) 

So the next time I have a day kind of like today where I feel really good and don't quite know why except that I sing in the shower and dance all over the place and eat well and am gentle with myself and laugh easily... and have fun, I know that I just want to relish it as much as I can. I think I did that today, but I wonder if I can make it an even bigger deal inside of myself in order to "grow it."

Maybe it has to do with my Course in Miracles lesson for today: "Above all else I want to see things differently." Maybe all that entailed was being open to other options and not really "seeing" anything differently, per se, but realizing that there is joy and playfulness and fun in everything and anything and then just going with it.

I'm sure that is completely not helpful. But then, is another's positive trajectory and personal changes ever helpful to another other than the acknowledgement that if it's possible for one, it's possible for all?

It's so funny because I am really open to everything that is coming up tomorrow including a possibly difficult conversation that I need to have with a dear friend who is more like a brother to me. I won't write it here because he might read this and if he did, before I got to speak with him, that would be uncomfortable and unfair as well...

I love my morning routine and tomorrow I am going to get to walk with a friend on the phone. We will just talk (I'll have my headphones so anyone else on the trail doesn't have to hear my friend's part of the conversation). She'll be walking on her trail and I'll be walking on mine. So fun. So good. I am actually really looking forward to that and it feels different than in the past. There is no 'maybe I should be doing something else instead going on in my head.' That is a typical phrase and is what gets me into trouble - like I wrote about yesterday...

I just want to stay awake and aware and figure it all out... and that is totally wrong. I DON'T want to figure it out. I don't need to, I just want to appreciate it. I want to enjoy that that is what is going on. Before Marci Shimoff came out with her book Happy for No Reason, I actually had that experience. All I remember is that it was a nice day, I was walking down a street and realized that I was happy and then realized that there was no reason for my happiness and that made me feel so good I realized that that is what I wanted from then on... well, I didn't get it, but the experience has lingered, and today felt kind of like that.

Good things happened and I had fun, but my mood was not tied to any of them. What a blessing. Today was really very blessed indeed.

Happy Birthday to Me

Every year, if we are lucky (though that is possibly an entire conversation for another time), we all get to have this one day that completes the trip and makes us the age we have become. I am 68 now. I have gone around the sun 68 times and am beginning my 69th trip.

It was a nice day. I was sick, but as Abraham says, and as I seem to love quoting these days: "Take the drugs. Dull the pain. But do the emotional work."

I took the drugs, but did not do the emotional work. It's still there for me and will be until I've done it. They are of the minds (Abraham is plural), that any illness or problem is hanging out on the bottom, or toward the bottom of the emotional Guidance scale. At the bottom is Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/ Powerlessness and at the top Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation. So doing the emotional work is pretty much just working ones way from wherever one is on the scale to the top.

I actually did an entire NANO novel with short stories using situations where a person starts at the bottom and works their way to the top. It was really fun, though I it's been a number of years ago and I'm not sure I could share it because one of the stories, was, I believe, kind of pornographic.

I have been wondering lately how I am actually manifesting my illnesses since I know that they are showing up because it's easier to get out of doing things I don't want to do by saying "I'm sick and don't want to get you sick," than saying I don't want to do this thing I said I would do. And I don't want to tell an outright lie - 'I'm sick.' when I am really not - so I need to work my body into it. That really makes me pretty powerful because if I can do that, I should be able to do the opposite, meaning I should be able to disappear the ringing in my ears, or the blood sugar issues I have, or the inability to get through piles of clutter in a reasonable amount of time. 

In some ways, that is the whole point of this blog. Getting sick when I need an excuse is a miracle - a backwards miracle maybe but a miracle nevertheless. So now, it's time to find a way away from the cough and sore throat and aches to peace and clarity, health and wholeness. I think that is what "68" is going to be about. When they do not occur, something has gone wrong must become When they DO occur, something has gone right! Time to make things go right.

Life as an on-going lesson for learning and appreciating

I already mentioned this yesterday, but today would have been my brother's 65th birthday. He's now been dead for more years than he'd been alive. I sent out an e-mail and some pictures to family members reminding them that today would have been Jon's 65th birthday. My sister Laurie sent back an e-mail saying that one of the pictures I'd sent she thought was from a family trip approximately 55 years ago where Jon saw and then pointed out whales to the family. She claimed that that was the experience that got her into being obsessed with whales. I call her the whale whisperer.

On a trip to Hawaii to celebrate her 60th birthday, within 2 hours of being off the plane (and needing to go shopping after we got in), we were on a boat watching whales. And OMG it was the greatest show ever. We even got to see male whales doing their 'like me more' dance for the female in the group. Spectacular.

So I was thinking what about the people we all know? Why are they in our lives? It really is NOT just to make us crazy - but to show us something, introduce us to something or someone, give us something that only they would be able to give us no matter how insignificant. And on the same note, what have we given them? 

Over the next few weeks I'm going to be looking at and making a list of people who have been in my life, what I got from them, and what I think I gave to them, though we can really never know that.

I would NEVER have guessed that I would bump into one of my middle school English students three or four years after she was my student, and that she would enthusiastically tell me I was her favorite teacher and how I got her to love Shakespeare. Really? That was a definite shocker!

The other thing I'm going to do is write down all the little and big miracles that have happened to me. 

For instance, when I'd been skydiving and living out at the drop zone, I had somehow managed to lose a bunch of weight and never even realized it until I went home for a visit and didn't have many clothes with me. I went into an old closet and took out some beige cords and remember thinking "These will never fit." I put them on and I was right, sort of, they were shockingly too big. I took off my clothes, looked at my body and had no idea how that had happened. I was skinny.

One Christmas morning, I had a few hours free and decided to clear out an area - just clean it up. Miraculously it went fast and I got so much done, I could hardly believe it!

I met my ex-husband in a time management class that David Allen was teaching through Insight Seminars. I was the team captain for the volunteers and Mark walked into the room wearing a yellow polo shirt. I looked up, saw him, and thought "Oh, there's my husband." Then I thought, nah, too Jewish (I'm Jewish and didn't think I wanted to marry a Jewish man). I made no effort to try and meet him, but we did, and then we dated, and then we got married and then we had our daughter, and then we got divorced, but it was all good. Really, at least in retrospect!

I am sure there are more experiences like this and I want to dig them up and look at them so I can appreciate them and make that kind of thing more prevalent in my life.

I wonder where those activities will lead me...

Telling the Truth

 So I'm a little bit sick tonight. I started to get a headache, and then my nose started running like it was practicing for a marathon. I should buy stock in Kleenex! And I was achy, and my chest started to hurt and I'm sure a lot of other symptoms appeared at least temporarily which made me feel like I needed to quarantine myself from EVERYBODY,

So I cancelled my housekeeper from coming tomorrow and I am wondering... was that the point? Did I get sick so I could do that and feel okay about it? I just feel like I need tomorrow alone, to myself. Not really sure why but boy I am good at making up excuses...

Tomorrow would have been my brother's 65th birthday. He died (took his own life), in 1986 at 30 years old. Then the day after is my birthday. Number 68. I will have traveled around this sun of ours a full 68 times and starting on number 69 on Friday.

I think I am really tired of lying to myself about things, but I am not 100% sure what the lies all are. It feels like every time I open my mouth or think a thought that it is not absolutely based in the truth. That is somewhat disconcerting to me, or is it really? I guess I've 'grown accustomed to it's face.' so I don't even know any more. It's kind of like when one says they feel fine out of habit when really they'd love to beat someone or something to a pulp. I always think of Emma Thompson in Love Actually when she sees her husband at the airport and says 'Fine, I'm fine,' when you know she wants to say 'I hate your fucking guts how do you think I am you lying loser asshole?!?!' And under that is "I'm in pain. I'm hurting. I haven't figured out how to move past this yet."

I think that tomorrow I will do everything I can to be 100% honest with myself and others. I could get into a lot of trouble, but it could prove to be an interesting day!

The miracle in all of this is that I feel like I'm a baby chick hatching out of an egg, or a novel being birthed, and like Chris Baty says in No Plot? No Problem.: "When your novel first peeks its head into the world, it will look pretty much like every newborn: blotchy, hairless, and utterly confused." So maybe when we start to really want to wake up and see who we are (which is all going to be amazingly wonderful even if it looks like a pile of steaming manure in the moment - or a blotch hairless utterly confused mess), if we really go for it, it's going to be beautiful. I can't wait... I will have to wait, but I'd like it to just appear whole, and perfect right now! (damned impatient human that I am)!

The truth is - I love my life...

 My birthday is Thursday, but I got a few really nice cards today. Also, I wasn't feeling great when I woke up (actually it started last night), but I got up, did my Bemer routine, my Wim Hof breathing, my 1 minute rant, my 1 song dance party and my mediation before going to my slow motion weight training workout. I also walked a bit, but I cancelled my card playing because the women I play with are in their 90s, and even if all I have is a mild cold, I am not willing to give it to anyone, let alone my dear 90+ year old friends.

Staying home gave me a few more hours to play with, and gave me the ability to participate in a zoom I thought I would be missing. But this zoom... oh my God! It was the best thing since sliced whole grain English Muffins!

It's a zoom for the Inner U program - specifically the LOVE program. I gave up on love 25 years ago. I actually think I gave up on love before that, but at this point...

Suffice it to say that this zoom got me actually thinking that I MIGHT (and that is the operative word) be interested in actually playing with the idea of getting into a relationship again.

Now understand that I have not been in any kind of love relationship since my ex and I broke up... let's see... my daughter was 6 and is now almost 32... so its a few years ago. I have often thought of myself as Sister Nancy the Jew gone celibate (I apologize to my Catholic friends). Suffice it to say - I am using that word too much, but suffice it to say that I am scared shitless to even think about dating. But hell, this is a blog about miracles, so I have to assume that it is possible.

I'm in a much better mood today than yesterday, and that is a miracle considering that I again went off the food wagon tonight. I used Donald Trump as an excuse, but I really didn't need an excuse and I need to start being a lot more honest about my actions if I want to really live in what The Year of Miracles (another program) calls "The Miracle Zone." A Course in Miracles would also probably call it "The Miracle Zone."

In one of my birthday cards my friends sent me a great cartoon - Ballard Street by Jerry Van Amerongen that has a picture of a woman looking through pages and pages of papers - some in her hand, some under her arms, some on her desk and it says: "Nancy attempts to locate the tracks of her train of thought." It was perfect. All I have to do is look at these blog posts to realize that my train of thought goes every which way but straight!

One of my homework assignments in Art and Soul Reloaded (by Pam Grout) is to "create some ritual to perform before you begin your projects."

I figured mine out. I am going to be coming up with mini Zentangles, and then a mini Nia routine, and a few minutes playing (or more accurately banging on) piano. It deals with all my senses - my mind playing with shapes and designs on paper, my body playing with shapes and designs as I "dance," and my hands and ears playing with sounds and rhythms. Then I will sit down and begin to allow my imagination to go full blown as I work with words to shape stories.

I am really happy about this and know that every thing I experience every day no matter what is carrying me on to the next thing for me to learn and understand and play with and have fun with.

I'm in a really **)%T*&%%$) mood so I'm just posting a line or two because I said I would and I need to do that to keep to my word

I'm in a crappy mood. I've been in a pretty awful mood most of the day though I've gotten things done: both meditations, my 10,000 steps. Lots of time on finance stuff. I worked on my puzzle and ate well and watched My Fair Lady (which had me crying a little). I even did a Nia class that I felt really cranky doing when we started, but then felt better later.

My birthday is this week and I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want anyone to call me. I'm just feeling like that - it happens. It's not the end of the world, and I can't believe I'm posting this though I'm pretty sure no one will read it... so... it's like a private journal that maybe someone will pick up... the end. 

This is what I'm doing because it works for me

Today's title is the statement I recorded at 6:40am while meditating. The form of mediation I do, Ziva Meditation, was created by Emily Fletcher. I enjoy it, and I've been doing it since April (the same time I gave up coffee). Lately, I've been better with no coffee than my two times a day meditation (one time - piece of cake - the second one - just seems to sometimes fall off the time schedule).

I spoke with Emily on one of her live calls and said "What do I do with the good ideas I get during meditation?"

She said to create an internal "box" to store them in and then get them out at the end.

Well, my box must have a hole in it because I've tried that a bunch of times but those 'great ideas' seem to be irretrievable.

Somehow in the past - the way past - though it is still my way of operating today - I adopted the following idea: When a person of 'power,' (the expert) tells me what to do. I should do it.

Emily says not to open your eyes and break out of the meditation (except to check the time), so I haven't. I've lost some of what I at least thought were pretty great ideas, and basically, I've been giving up the power to make my own choices when they go against the authority figure for many many many years.

No more Ms. Nice Rule Follower... as of today, I am going to do whatever I want to do. If it works for me, I'm doing it.

And, of course, because this is a blog about miracles, during the Abraham-Hicks workshop today that was pretty much their message. Do what works for you and don't let others' needs and demands supersede your own desires. We're on the same page me and Abraham. Which means I am finally awake to and on the same page as my own Inner Being.

The next thing I spoke down was "I am never alone. God is always by my side." Another thing that Abraham hit on today. And the final thing I spoke into my phone was that the key to doing whatever I want is playfulness. Another Abraham talking point for the day.

I won the trifecta!

So after a nice morning with 3 pretty great zoom meetings, plus the Abraham workshop, I kind of dropped my momentum and walked right into a bad habit hole.

A Course in Miracles Chapter 1 The Meaning of Miracles

1. Principles of Miracles.

#6. Miracles are natural. When they do not occur something has gone wrong.

I want to say that something has gone wrong, and yet, it really hasn't. Walking into an old habit hole just make what I want clearer, and that is a good thing.

I get to make a new choice right now. A choice to make a different choice tomorrow. A choice that is more in line with what I really want.

There are a variety of paths to walk down and my intention for tomorrow is to make the choices to go down the ones that feel the best, and to do what I do because it works for me. I can do that.

I woke up feeling sick. I wonder why.

Did I not want to do my slow motion weight training and needed an excuse not to go? I really did feel sick, at the time. I'm fine now. 

It was a day... I have a friend whose birthday is today - October 23rd. Mine is October 29th. For the past many years, I call her on this day and we have a long conversation. She was my best friend in high school. We went our separate ways and hadn't been in touch for years, and then just wound up talking again. So every year, we speak, at least once. It's nice.

As I was doing my 750 words tonight I realized I wanted to forward a friend an e-mail I'd received, so I stopped doing the 750 words and sent her the e-mail. Then I realized that I needed to check out another e-mail a friend had sent me earlier today that I hadn't responded to, so I did, and then responded and it was done.

I realized how freeing that was. Those things that popped into my head were each handled in minutes and then done and gone and out of my brain. I think this is something I want to do on a regular basis in order to keep my head free of clutter. I'll play with it and see where it takes me.

I did my second Zentangle class today. Seriously. That is a wonderful activity that I found brings me inner peace, joy, playfulness, delight, and is just plain fun. I have them both hanging on the cabinet doors above my computer along with my favorite quote: "Someone told me I was delusional. I almost fell off my unicorn."

I love that quote. I love my unicorn of a life. And I love that I'm writing these daily. And I think I love you - whomever you are on the seen or unseen level reading my blog (hi Mom and Dad - I know you guys are out there and probably Meta - maybe Mike - maybe Jon). It's so nice having a party of folks on the other side. I think I should start to use them more! They have so much broader a perspective than I do... and I think that now it is time for bed. <3

One more thing... I just went to my e-mails to sign off and my sister had lost an e-mail I'd sent her. I sent it on to her (without getting even miffed that she'd misplaced it) and realized that I'd meant to send it to my daughter to, so I did... thanks Universe... the Universe comes through every time!

I really think I am moving into A WHOLE NEW WORLD... thank you Disney and Aladdin...

So I finished off yesterday's post saying I would do some bibliomancy before bed in order to seek for an answer.

Here is what I got:

And for those of you who read ACIM it's in Chapter VIII #10 - The Problem and the Answer...

"In the real world there is no sickness, for there is no separation and no division. Only loving thoughts are recognized, and because no one is without your help the Help of God goes with you everywhere. As you become willing to accept this Help by asking for It, you will give It because you want It. Nothing will be beyond your your healing power, because nothing will be denied your simple request. What problems will not disappear in the presence of God's answer? Ask, then, to learn of the reality of your brother, because this is what you perceive in him, and you will see your beauty reflected in his."

I got more then I'd asked about. I asked about myself, and got that I am never separate from others. When I see another as whole and healed I will also see myself within the other as whole and healed.

I believe I also mentioned that Abraham-Hicks says Ask and it's Given (also the title of one of their books). So I did that today. I asked for help with these areas that are feeling somewhat out of control and I actually felt like I was being guided, and then I realized I don't HAVE TO listen. It's a choice. And I also realized that one must ask (or rather I must ask) in any moment that I need or want help. So it's not enough once a day to say, "Okay God, help me today." When I get to a place where I'm feeling a little stressed and wanting to go for something soothing like rainbow sherbet, I need to ask again in that moment. It needs to be, for me, anyway, a moment by moment prayer. 

So today was a bit of a crazed food day, but absolutely no mental or emotional repercussions in any form (and that is new). Just the idea that next time, I can ask when I'm thinking about moving into an area I don't necessarily want to be in.

I have so many opportunities when I'm with others to see them as they want to be seen, and yesterday in my Pscyh-K class with Duccio - an amazing Psych-K facilitator - he taught us a process he invented where we ask the person to see him or herself as they want to be and then balance for whatever comes up from that. Everything is so interrelated.

And then, of course, my wonderful Abraham-Hicks e-mail today shared:

"So, you could be on a high-flying disc that feels like love and appreciation; or you could be on a low-flying disc that feels like ornery. And if you’re wondering what disc you’re on, just notice the people around you. If they are ornery, that’s the disc you are on. And If they are on your disc, that is your point of attraction."

Excerpted from Orlando, FL on 1/11/14

Our Love

Esther (Abraham and Jerry)

Life is really so cool... don't you think? <3 

It was at this point I decided that the title of this pieec should be 'a whole new world,' but I couldn't remember what it was from so I searched and got the following two options.

While listening, I got some serious chills...  and decided to share them and the words which totally blew me away based on just pulling it out of the air! (like we ever really just pull anything out of the air!

Okay - one full week of blogging - yahoo me....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7mI8zoSC24

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmvT7B3u7II

A Whole New World

Lea Salonga, Brad Kane

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under on a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us, "no" or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
(Now I'm in a whole new world with you)

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world (don't you dare close your eyes)
A hundred thousand things to see (hold your breath, it gets better)
I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far
I…

UH OH... I fell off the wagon

The wagon is overturned and all of my resolve is covered with mud and somewhere in the ditch where I can't (and don't even want) to find it.

There is so much mud on it I wouldn't recognize it anyway.

So as weirdness would have it, my food is the wagon overturned and my writing is up front and running forward. I have now written (easily) on this blog for 6 days (counting today), and I am loving it. I have absolutely no desire to stop, and frankly, don't care if no one looks at it but me. I am actually doing this for me. I am coming upon 2 months of doing my 750words.com writing and I have missed two days, but I have written for almost 60. And NANO - well, I am so looking forward to that and today was amazing meeting with the Cape Cod NANO group... but that is for another day...

So back to the food. Not going quite so well. Yes. I liked how I looked when I was lighter then I am now. I felt good in my body, but I am aware that I don't know who I did that for or why. Yes, when I was really on track with the program, it got me out of my head so I wasn't thinking about food all the time, but once it was no longer 'easy,' it was a struggle every day, and I thought about food and felt as mentally awful as I ever had. 

So I need a new strategy. I am in the process, inside my head, of thinking about what I need to do and how I will do it if I decide to do it again, but I am not going to spend the rest of my life fighting. I refuse. I am done with that. And if I get fat again, I get fat again. And if I decide to do something different, I will do that. But I have to come to it another way. 

One of my coaches (who I adore, and who I love working with and who only has my best interest at heart) just wants me to focus on my body dream and put in promises and consequences. I cannot do that. I will feel like I am punishing myself and I will hate the world. Been there and done that before too many times to count, and I know my head will be as crazed as always. I need to find a better way, a healthier way, a smarter way, a more peaceful way to get my relationship with food into a new place. Instead of 'get my relationship with food into a new place,' I started writing get it under control, but I don't want to CONTROL anything. I want it to be a comfortable and natural process and frankly, at this moment, I have no idea what that looks like or how I will get there.

I am waiting for the miracle I know will come. It always does. It is why I started this blog in the first place. My first two blog posts from March 5, 2015 and March 4, 2015, which I just re-read and liked, though March 5 is a little long, explain why I decided to do this blog. If you want to see why I am waiting, and why I am trusting that I will have wonderous miracles to report, then scroll down and read them. 

I am moving back into a trust the universe mode. I haven't been living there much lately but I'm back (or at least I am declaring that I am back - step one...).

And oh yeah, briefly. As I mentioned at the beginning, my writing is going happy. I know that National Novel Writing Month will be brilliant. I know that I am going to have a wonderful time with it even though it will be potentially the craziest month anyone has experienced maybe ever (in case you are reading this and saying 'what?' the 2020 election is what I am referring to). I am holding out for peace and joy and kindness and loving. I am.

And it is bedtime, and so I will sign off, but just FYI, I will be, before I get into bed, opening A Course in Miracles (bibliomancy - open the book toget a message), and hopefully getting a little guidance about getting back into the wagon.

ARE YOU MY HAUNTING'S MOTHER?

Today started out great. It started with a Jennifer Loudin write-in. But one doesn't need to write - it's an opportunity to have an hour and a half to just do whatever you want - and creativity is one thing it would be good to do since Jen IS a writing teacher! 

I didn't write. I organized my desk and got quite a bit done. But then, something went south. I think it started by me abandoning the zoom early because I thought another zoom was coming in and I thought it was a meeting I'd forgotten about because I also got a notification. But it wasn't. Just a random ding I paid too much attention to. So I spent a little more time on my desk, had some breakfast, and went to give blood. But my iron was too low, so no donating for me. We set up another appointment for later.

I was feeling pretty good, but disappointed, so I decided to get some of my steps in before going to my hospice patient's home to drop off a "Legacy Project" I had done.

After the drop off, which was fine, but truth be told ever since leaving my house initially I had been feeling more and more lethargic and so, after leaving my patient's home, I decided to go to Starbucks to get some bantum bagels (yeah! That'll make me feel better!).

And oh yeah, I had already gone to Starbucks before my walk to get a perfect bar (peanut butter). My app didn't work right away which I probably should have taken as a sign, and walked away, but I got on their wi-fi which got it to work, and got mad at AT&T for my flaky data.

Long story short - by the end of the day I'd eaten more junk (both quality and quantity) then I'd eaten in a very long time. I was trying to fix the lethargy and probably something else.

So I started to think about it, and remembered that during my my morning mediation I'd gotten hints about what my NEG haunting was about (see last Sunday). I should have used the morning time with Jennifer to explore them, but... I had decluttering to do and in retrospect hauntings to ignore.

Last night, per the hauntings homework, I wrote out brief recaps of 10 different hauntings. And one of them was the one I wrote about on Sunday. During the hauntings process which includes interviewing people who might be able to help get a better perspective on them, one comes to a greater understanding of one's own responsibility and authorship of what happened. And while I was meditating I thought I got some hints about it - but ignored it - or at least didn't appreciate it enough to look more deeply into it - thus crazy eating and feeling more lethargic. So here are my discoveries:

When I was living in New Jersey, we lived across the street from a thin empty lot that was owned by a parochial school and nunnery that was also across the street. On that land was a large bolder. I talked a gullible friend of mine into believing that there was a snake that lived in the bolder who I could speak to, control and make do what I wanted (uh oh - maybe I'm a Slytherin and NOT a Gryffindor!). She believed me, and I don't remember, but I may have threatened her to do what I wanted or I'd set the snake on her. Not that I wanted anything - but heck - who doesn't want to feel powerful and in control as a pre-teen?

This wasn't orchestrated by me, but I stood by. My sister who is 18 months younger then me, when she was about 8, terrorized our littlest sister who was 2 or 3 at the time. She grabbed her by the shoulders and said "mommy and daddy hate you and they're leaving and never coming back!" She did this, (we did this) because little sister looked so cute when she was trying not to cry. When she finally started to cry, 8 year old sister hugged her and said, "No, no. I'm only kidding they're here and they're not going away." So... from these experiences what did I learn about my haunting?

I was gullible and played small and weak (like rock/snake friend) in order to allow this NEG experience to happen. Abraham Hicks says that we're all under law of attraction. I attracted an experience similar to one I had created.

And second, I could be cruel, and/or at least stand by and watch others be cruel. So again, I attracted this to myself.

Both of those things make up the haunting, and I wonder if I've figured it out, or partially figured it out, or maybe I am just PRETENDING to have figured it out... I did find the old NEG friend and I can get hold of her to ask if she remembers this and what her perspective was. And I'm still in touch from time to time with rock/snake friend and I can certainly call her to get her perspective (if she remembers it).

And I will do this, when the time is appropriate based on my hauntings module, because my hope is that the food (and clutter) is all somehow tied into this haunting, and in the hope that once I dig deeper into it, and unravel it, the food and clutter will disappear as a crutch or numbing tool, or whatever I used it for today,

NOTHING MUCH TO SAY

 It's been a very confusing and cranky kind of day for me... we all have them... but I said I'd post daily.

One interesting thing was that I played cards with friends (we're all socially distancing all the time), and my partner and I needed an 8 and 9 of hearts to finish a run.

On my turn, I pulled both the 8 and 9 of hearts. That's a pretty cool thing to happen when I'm feeling cranky and out of sorts - I guess on some level, I was in sync...

Tomorrow will be a better day.

THE HAUNTING OF NEG (Nancy Eve Grossman)

So today was a very interesting day, and I will attempt to share with you the shortest version possible. 

On Friday, I took some time during a group call, to get coached regarding some things that were going on inside of me. It turned out to be all about the election and that I felt that though I was doing some things to "help the cause," I wasn't doing enough to support the effort, especially compared to my sisters who are also, as James Earl Jones describes himself in Field of Dreams... "the East Coast distributor of "involved." I ate it, drank it, and breathed it... " That describes them to a tee (only west coast instead of east coast). So anything I do is way less than that and I feel it and I feel guilty about it like I should do more. I COULD do more. I could FIND THE TIME to do more. And I probably could, but for whatever reason, I don't want to, or I am just NOT.

So the facilitator, an amazing woman named Marnie Nir started talking about what I'd shared, and I got lost. I felt all of a sudden like I was listening to someone talking from another dimension. She said something about hero - I just didn't get it, but wasn't brave enough to admit that I felt stupid because I didn't understand (another interesting thing I experience from time to time). By the way, check out Inner U - that is how I met Marnie and it's the philosophy behind everything I will say from here out.

After the call I started to wonder 'was she calling me a hero? Didn't she hear what I said about my sisters?!?!? I'm NOT a hero and that is way out of bounds in terms of how I think about myself.' But, as it turns out, she was, which felt extremely uncomfortable. Then today, I had a meeting with my coach Caroline - another amazing Handel coach (Inner U again), and we talked about that, and I realized after she shoved it in my face (gently, of course), that I often don't feel like what I'm doing is good enough. And she's right. That is how I perceive much of what I've done lo these nearly 68 years. And then I mentioned something that I've know about and thought I dealt with already, which was a pretty nasty experience I had at sleep away camp when I was around 11 or so. A friend from the neighborhood who I went to camp with decided to turn the whole bunk against me and she told me and them, that they would call me from now on - based on my initials - Not Even Good. Then she and my dear bunk mates began to throw cereal and I think water over the bathroom stall door at me. I don't remember what happened after that. I do remember a 'picture in my mind,' of sitting on a grassy hill with a counselor who I think was trying to make me feel better. I don't think it worked. Not if 57 years later it's still so alive inside of me. So this experience, the Handel group calls "A HAUNTING." Just in time for Halloween I have my very own  haunting to deal with. Aren't I the lucky one!?

So to deal with this haunting, there are some recordings I must listen to, and some activities to do.

You might be asking, why is she writing about this?!?!? This is a blog about MIRACLES! This is a blog about feel good stuff. Why am I having to read about this woman perseverating about an experience that I would never want to remember or review or think about?

Well my friends, it's because this truly could turn out to be the biggest miracle I've ever experienced in my life, 

If I never feel that anything I am doing is good enough, that I am not good enough, and if that thinking has kept me from my dreams and dealing with it opens those doors, then isn't that truly the definition of a miracle?

Wouldn't it be amazing to do the things I've always really wanted to do like writing a novel (or rather a good novel that I'm willing to share with the world - I've written a number of hidden in drawer novels during National Novel Writing Month), or acting. I really wanted to be an actress, but I had gotten a lot of feedback that pretty much told me I was not even good at that (though I'd also gotten some feedback that I was good enough - very good as a matter of fact - but that I knew it... but that is another story for another time).

So, my hope for this new discovery and homework assignment, is that I will finally release and let go of this thing that has had me tied up in knots, and that once this haunting has truly been healed, I might be able to fulfill my purpose (whatever that may be) on this planet at this time. I also think that my clutter issues (another topic for another time), my weight issues (I've talked about it, but there's more), my hording issues, (again, for later), might actually get resolved by resolving this specific haunting. I'll let you know later.

KEEPING PROMISES

 I said I was doing this every day. SO I am here with pretty much nothing particularly interesting to discuss.

Except when I was at Sprouts buying food, there was a guy behind me and I was taking a lot of time looking for the coupon on my app (the person checking me out wound up using hers), and then it took me a bit to pack up. I know I was moving at a slower pace. I was not in a hurry, but I think he was, and I think he was angry at me and maybe even said something unkind when he sneered at me and passed me in the parking lot, but I had my headset on and was listening to something on my phone. I realized then that I can always ignore everyone and everything that wasn't going to serve me in being a more joyful, peaceful me by just keeping my focus on what I am doing or what I want. I could have said - in my mind - God Bless You I hope you got what you needed from how you are feeling right now.' So next time.

It reminds me of a time I was at a party with a friend. When everyone left and he and I were the last people, I asked him what he thought about how one person had treated another. He never saw it. It was obvious, she wasn't being subtle, but he never saw it. I knew he was doing the Course in Miracles lessons and figured that whatever he was learning from that tomb was making a huge difference in his life if he really wasn't even able to see the horrors around him!

I also realized that I need to do more of my Psych-K balances, and maybe be better at my A Course in Miracles lessons too! The balances help me to keep my beliefs clean and clear. And from my own past experience I know that my thoughts and beliefs can be changed by doing ACIM lessons as I think I mentioned in one of the first blog posts in this endeavor. It's the namesake... ACIM...

Car Wash and Kindness

Okay, I'm back. I'm going to begin writing this blog daily even if it's just to say, hi, what miracles are you experiencing?  I don't even know if another living, breathing person will ever read these, but that is not the point. I'm not sure what the point is, but it seems like a good idea, and if I'm going to do this thing, which I've been attempting to do for a very many years, it's really about time... I'm going to be 68 in 13 days, how many more years am I going to wait?!?! 

So here I go, for real, and there are some older pieces I want to rewrite. So I will do that, and link to them, when I'm ready... or maybe I need to set up a date and time and just do rather than waiting for that illusive inspiration to hit. Or, as Pam Grout says, if I just do it all the time so the Muse knows where and when to show up... but that's for another blog piece.

So there have been a few things of interest in line with experiencing miracles - the point of this blog. Today I will share the car wash.

I decided I wanted to get my car cleaned because it was filthy, but my niece was parking in my garage for a few days and it seemed silly to get it nice and clean only to leave it out over night for several nights to get dirty again.

I figured once she left, I'd just go do it, but I didn't find the time, until it found me.

I was driving home from my daily walk and from doing a few errands but I couldn't get into my right turn lane so had to go straight and turn where I could which happened to be right where the car wash was. Even though I had something I had to do in just a little while, I knew I had enough time to do the wash and finally get it done, besides the universe led me here. I realized that I could have not gotten angry about not being able to turn right and instead said something to myself like - oh, wonder why I need to go straight! As I am writing this, I am aware that I need to ask that question to myself more often instead of beating myself up for something or being frustrated about how something has turned out, just ask myself what the purpose of the experience is/was... onward...

I got it washed but it was weird, not ideal - I had to use cash because their card machine wasn't working, so I did that even though it meant getting rid of pretty much all the cash I had on me. It was fine, but still, a little weird for something I thought was so perfectly designed. And as I was watching the guys cleaning my car at the end when they dry and 'detail' it - not a real detail, just get the spots off, he was being so meticulous I put the three dollars back in my wallet and pulled out a five. There was another woman who happened to own the Mercedes being worked on who had ONE WHOLE DOLLAR out. I made sure she saw me holding a five, though probably she couldn't care less. Some day I want to do a whole piece on generosity and our stinginess because as a society it seems that that is the way we roll (most of us) unless there is an emergency and then the generosity bug shows up. Why can't it always be there?!?! So interesting to me, but I diverge.

When I went up to get my car and gave the masked young man the five dollars and the receipt, he was so happy his eyes were actually shining. He thanked me and said that he hoped to see me again. I smiled back and said for sure and got into my car. But I couldn't move because he and kept spotting and cleaning the mirror and windshield and side of my car. I almost wanted to laugh. It was such a lovely encounter. Oh, I'm just getting it, so I got my car washed and he got an experience of generosity that somehow filled him. There are always reasons - usually more than one.