Today started out great. It started with a Jennifer Loudin write-in. But one doesn't need to write - it's an opportunity to have an hour and a half to just do whatever you want - and creativity is one thing it would be good to do since Jen IS a writing teacher!
I didn't write. I organized my desk and got quite a bit done. But then, something went south. I think it started by me abandoning the zoom early because I thought another zoom was coming in and I thought it was a meeting I'd forgotten about because I also got a notification. But it wasn't. Just a random ding I paid too much attention to. So I spent a little more time on my desk, had some breakfast, and went to give blood. But my iron was too low, so no donating for me. We set up another appointment for later.
I was feeling pretty good, but disappointed, so I decided to get some of my steps in before going to my hospice patient's home to drop off a "Legacy Project" I had done.
After the drop off, which was fine, but truth be told ever since leaving my house initially I had been feeling more and more lethargic and so, after leaving my patient's home, I decided to go to Starbucks to get some bantum bagels (yeah! That'll make me feel better!).
And oh yeah, I had already gone to Starbucks before my walk to get a perfect bar (peanut butter). My app didn't work right away which I probably should have taken as a sign, and walked away, but I got on their wi-fi which got it to work, and got mad at AT&T for my flaky data.
Long story short - by the end of the day I'd eaten more junk (both quality and quantity) then I'd eaten in a very long time. I was trying to fix the lethargy and probably something else.
So I started to think about it, and remembered that during my my morning mediation I'd gotten hints about what my NEG haunting was about (see last Sunday). I should have used the morning time with Jennifer to explore them, but... I had decluttering to do and in retrospect hauntings to ignore.
Last night, per the hauntings homework, I wrote out brief recaps of 10 different hauntings. And one of them was the one I wrote about on Sunday. During the hauntings process which includes interviewing people who might be able to help get a better perspective on them, one comes to a greater understanding of one's own responsibility and authorship of what happened. And while I was meditating I thought I got some hints about it - but ignored it - or at least didn't appreciate it enough to look more deeply into it - thus crazy eating and feeling more lethargic. So here are my discoveries:
When I was living in New Jersey, we lived across the street from a thin empty lot that was owned by a parochial school and nunnery that was also across the street. On that land was a large bolder. I talked a gullible friend of mine into believing that there was a snake that lived in the bolder who I could speak to, control and make do what I wanted (uh oh - maybe I'm a Slytherin and NOT a Gryffindor!). She believed me, and I don't remember, but I may have threatened her to do what I wanted or I'd set the snake on her. Not that I wanted anything - but heck - who doesn't want to feel powerful and in control as a pre-teen?
This wasn't orchestrated by me, but I stood by. My sister who is 18 months younger then me, when she was about 8, terrorized our littlest sister who was 2 or 3 at the time. She grabbed her by the shoulders and said "mommy and daddy hate you and they're leaving and never coming back!" She did this, (we did this) because little sister looked so cute when she was trying not to cry. When she finally started to cry, 8 year old sister hugged her and said, "No, no. I'm only kidding they're here and they're not going away." So... from these experiences what did I learn about my haunting?
I was gullible and played small and weak (like rock/snake friend) in order to allow this NEG experience to happen. Abraham Hicks says that we're all under law of attraction. I attracted an experience similar to one I had created.
And second, I could be cruel, and/or at least stand by and watch others be cruel. So again, I attracted this to myself.
Both of those things make up the haunting, and I wonder if I've figured it out, or partially figured it out, or maybe I am just PRETENDING to have figured it out... I did find the old NEG friend and I can get hold of her to ask if she remembers this and what her perspective was. And I'm still in touch from time to time with rock/snake friend and I can certainly call her to get her perspective (if she remembers it).
And I will do this, when the time is appropriate based on my hauntings module, because my hope is that the food (and clutter) is all somehow tied into this haunting, and in the hope that once I dig deeper into it, and unravel it, the food and clutter will disappear as a crutch or numbing tool, or whatever I used it for today,
No comments:
Post a Comment