The wagon is overturned and all of my resolve is covered with mud and somewhere in the ditch where I can't (and don't even want) to find it.
There is so much mud on it I wouldn't recognize it anyway.
So as weirdness would have it, my food is the wagon overturned and my writing is up front and running forward. I have now written (easily) on this blog for 6 days (counting today), and I am loving it. I have absolutely no desire to stop, and frankly, don't care if no one looks at it but me. I am actually doing this for me. I am coming upon 2 months of doing my 750words.com writing and I have missed two days, but I have written for almost 60. And NANO - well, I am so looking forward to that and today was amazing meeting with the Cape Cod NANO group... but that is for another day...
So back to the food. Not going quite so well. Yes. I liked how I looked when I was lighter then I am now. I felt good in my body, but I am aware that I don't know who I did that for or why. Yes, when I was really on track with the program, it got me out of my head so I wasn't thinking about food all the time, but once it was no longer 'easy,' it was a struggle every day, and I thought about food and felt as mentally awful as I ever had.
So I need a new strategy. I am in the process, inside my head, of thinking about what I need to do and how I will do it if I decide to do it again, but I am not going to spend the rest of my life fighting. I refuse. I am done with that. And if I get fat again, I get fat again. And if I decide to do something different, I will do that. But I have to come to it another way.
One of my coaches (who I adore, and who I love working with and who only has my best interest at heart) just wants me to focus on my body dream and put in promises and consequences. I cannot do that. I will feel like I am punishing myself and I will hate the world. Been there and done that before too many times to count, and I know my head will be as crazed as always. I need to find a better way, a healthier way, a smarter way, a more peaceful way to get my relationship with food into a new place. Instead of 'get my relationship with food into a new place,' I started writing get it under control, but I don't want to CONTROL anything. I want it to be a comfortable and natural process and frankly, at this moment, I have no idea what that looks like or how I will get there.
I am waiting for the miracle I know will come. It always does. It is why I started this blog in the first place. My first two blog posts from March 5, 2015 and March 4, 2015, which I just re-read and liked, though March 5 is a little long, explain why I decided to do this blog. If you want to see why I am waiting, and why I am trusting that I will have wonderous miracles to report, then scroll down and read them.
I am moving back into a trust the universe mode. I haven't been living there much lately but I'm back (or at least I am declaring that I am back - step one...).
And oh yeah, briefly. As I mentioned at the beginning, my writing is going happy. I know that National Novel Writing Month will be brilliant. I know that I am going to have a wonderful time with it even though it will be potentially the craziest month anyone has experienced maybe ever (in case you are reading this and saying 'what?' the 2020 election is what I am referring to). I am holding out for peace and joy and kindness and loving. I am.
And it is bedtime, and so I will sign off, but just FYI, I will be, before I get into bed, opening A Course in Miracles (bibliomancy - open the book toget a message), and hopefully getting a little guidance about getting back into the wagon.
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