Today was a bit of a horror show and also really good so it was, frankly a very mixed bag.
In the morning we were introduced to Rob Wergin who is an energy worker. He is, and I am getting this from his website, A sacred conduit for Divine Energies of pure light and unconditional love. Well I don't know what he did, but after our session with him I felt really good.
But the day started off ragged. I didn't get to do my meditation till much later than usual. The whole thing felt off kilter. I don't want to talk about the other crazy things that 'went wrong,' except for another person later who did breath work with us.
I basically freaked out and left. I wound up with a lot of pain in my ribs on my left side, and I started to cry, and I just got up and left. I went for a walk on the beach, so it turned out okay for me except that I missed another guest speaker who I would have liked to have heard, but I think all of this is being recorded, so I will probably be able to listen later.
Now here's the interesting thing... The facilitators yesterday mentioned what to do with difficult emotions rather than pushing them down or running away from them, which is what I did.
They mentioned it again today which was good because I had forgotten that. And I realized a few things, like that I really wanted to watch the Lincoln Project Town Hall which was happening at the same time, and which I had gotten an invite to after not having gotten one for a few weeks.
I didn't look at it logically or in any way that made any sense. As it turns out, I got to watch the town hall on YouTube, though most of them have not been recorded for YouTube, so I didn't know if I'd be able to.
That was the thing, I think, that really got me going. I was doing what I thought I should be doing rather than what I wanted to be doing. I also hadn't thought it through (I had sort of because I stayed), but I didn't really make that decision consciously and on purpose.
I also started this whole retreat thinking I didn't really belong and shouldn't go because I hadn't done most of the work during the year so I felt like I was a student going in for the final when I hadn't read the book or done most of the homework. I didn't want to be here, but at the same time, I did.
So I have a lot of these push-me/pull-me things going on inside and I really need to come to grips with them and sort it all out or somehow just shift it all.
Today's ACIM lesson, which I also didn't do as a stellar student was "I will accept Atonement for myself, for I remain as God created me."
I know there is a lot for me in those lessons, and I know that there is a lot for me in this work with Year of Miracles. Trying to figure out if I should do it again. I would need a reason - a specific reason of something that I want to accomplish that I think that YOM would help me get to.
I'm also wanting to learn piano, do more with Zentangle, and I still have all the business stuff I need to do. Is it too much? What can I leave out and do later? What am I getting the most from... oh yeah, then there's this blog, my 750 words.com, and my NANO novel. Which, I really should decide to rewrite if I think it has any merit, which right now, it does not. But don't let my characters hear me say that, they'll get pissed. They think they have a purpose and that their 'stuff' is important. So who am I to argue?
I have so many things I am doing right now and next year I also want to do Martha Beck's class on counseling. I'm also doing Inner U, and Course in Miracles, and Abraham, and truly, the one that doesn't really fit is Inner U. It's very practical. Do it, make promises, here and now living in the world stuff. Everything else is pretty much airy fairy.
Frankly, I love it all, but really, all I want is peace. And right now, maybe some sleep.
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