I feel badly about not posting yesterday and don't want to do it again

 I was sick yesterday. My stomach. No idea what it was from or what to do about it (and it's not completely better). But, I slept from 6:30 till 6:30 with a short break at 10:30 when I woke and wondered if I should do my writing for the day. My better sense (maybe/maybe not I will never know as I can't go backwards), told me to go back to bed, which I did.

What is interesting, is that my ACIM lesson for the day was "Sickness is a defense against the truth." I did it again today, and every time that I started to feel ill (headache, or stomach, or whatever, I used the patter of: "I have forgotten what I really am, for I mistook my body for myself. Sickness is a defense against the truth. But I am not a body. And my mind cannot attack. So I can not be sick.

Interestingly, when I used those words a number of times today, the 'thing' that was going on vanished. Until later tonight. I've been saying it, but I guess I am having a hard time remembering.

I am feeling unsettled in so many ways right now, and all I want is to feel better not just in body, but in mind.

I am aware that I am allowing this election, though it is over (it's not really unless Trump concedes because according to the constitution he can still steal the election through the electoral collage. A coup is still possible, and that is a more than disturbing thought. If you want to be disturbed too, you can go to YouTube and look for Van Jones' TED talk on concession). The good news is that there are things people can do to stop it. And I believe that we will because a lot of people love living in a democratic country run by kind people.

I think I have fallen down a rabbit hole and the only way out is through. So that is what I am doing. I will get done the things I need to get done, and I will hang in there because that is important. And I will keep writing here no matter what it looks like because I promised myself I would.

I wonder what would have happened if I'd walked to the computer at 10:30, nauseous, chest hurting, and all in all feeling pretty awful - I wonder if I had not let that stop me, what today would have been like.

It wasn't a bad day, but I wonder if it could have been a great day.

I think I am telling myself lies about not feeling well - not that I don't feel it in my body - but if ACIM is right, then I cannot let the lies take over. I have to stand up to them, like we have to stand up for our democracy, the most fragile, valuable, and wonderful form of government there is.

Bring back Kindness... I will get those signs printed.

Who I really want to be is who I really am

So yesterday, I ended my post about 'taking care of myself vs. taking care of myself' with the lesson from A Course in Miracles "If I defend Myself I am attacked."

Last night I read that lesson and did the meditation. My problem with the course these days is that I've been interpreting to to be saying that I should just become a puppet of God's. Let God lead the way - ask what God wants me to do, etc. But since I've been studying the work of Abraham (Abraham-Hicks.com), I've come to believe that God and I are one - like REALLY - we are all God - there is nothing "out there" that is going to do it. We're it. OUR HIGHEST SELVES are it. not the little part that stubs its toe or is bratty or chicken-like, etc.  I don't want something out there to tell me what to do. And then, as I was reading and re-reading certain sections of the lesson it hit me... This was the statement: 

"A healed mind does not plan. It carries out the plans that it receives through listening to Wisdom that is not its own..." And then it hit me like the commercials "I could'a had a V8."

When I read it the first time, I read that 'I am a puppet to a force outside of myself,' but this time I read it as - very much like Abraham says - "I" am part of something greater than my mind is. My mind is not ME, and ME is part of God, (little self vs BIG SELF)... I was kind of reading it like I had no value and need to get messages from something outside of myself, and now I am interpreting as if it is the inner being me the Source Energy me that I am connecting with... 

Receiving this understanding yesterday made me ripe to receive clarity on other mis-interpretations that are against myself and others.

I often feel like I have to defend myself against the time share assholes and the jerks who are constantly calling and e-mailing me to give money to this cause or that cause or the other cause.

I am always fighting against something.

Then today, when I heard Joe Biden talk about being a president not just the people who voted for him, but also those who did not, and then talking about how strong, vigorous debates are good, but the purpose of our politics is not unrelenting warfare, but to solve problems. And then he said... we may be opponents, but we are not enemies. And I thought about how I'd been feeling. Vengeful, angry, revenge seeking, and I had to step back and realize that that is not me. That is not who I am or who I want to be. I want not to be an enemy to anyone even for a moment. I might have opposing views or desires, but the person asking something of me is not an enemy, but a co-habiting human on this planet. 

Again, from Harold and Maude (guess I need to watch this movie soon!), Maude was talking about loving people and saying they are her species. 

So thanks Joe for the reminder that everyone here is my species (not that we shouldn't also get along with other species as well - but that is a topic for another time). Having opposing views does not make us enemies. It gives us something to discuss. If I defend myself, I am attacked. 

Can I trust myself to know when I will need help?

 Age is a really weird thing. I am 68, and I am healthy. It is not beyond the realm of the possible that I will sign up to do another half marathon. A whole marathon - if I even mention that - sign me up for a bed at the place where they put people who no longer have the ability to make their own decisions.

I got an offer from Kaiser today to get one of those devices that will call someone if I need help. I looked at it for just a tad too long, and then sent it to my kid with a note saying 'what do you think?'

She said, 'I don't know what do you think?'

I responded. Well, I feel young enough, but I do live alone and if anything ever happened to me I might just be SOL (shit outta luck). I have a friend. She is rather old. In her late 80s or early 90s. I have a lot of friends up in the stratus-ago-osphere. They are pretty awesome, but they sometimes don't get that they need help. So I told Sarah, I don't think I need it now, but if I ever start to get a little batty and you don't trust that I'm going to do what I need to do, tell me, and I'll get one then.

I do have to say that once in a while I think 'what would happen if I fell and couldn't get up... which is what happened to this friend. A bunch of our other friends hadn't heard from her in a while and couldn't reach her, so some of them went over to her house and found her passed out on the floor. She'd been there for a few days. She is fine, more or less, now, but is living in a 'facility.' It's nice. She has her own apartment, but they check on you from time to time and there are a lot of other people around. She could no longer be in her home alone.

This has gotten heavy and depressing. But maybe making sure that all is or will be well is not depressing but smart. I don't think that anyone would say preparing a will (even when one is younger) or a trust if necessary, is depressing. It's smart. It's a good move, something worth thinking about and doing - it's like insurance.

So, to turn it into a more miraculous thought, I know I can trust that if I ever need that kind of "protection," I will know it because that little voice inside (that I am getting better and better at listening to) will let me know, and I will follow it. And until that time, all is well and I will just get on with my day.

And then, and I am just going to mention it - not follow it down a rabbit hole - A Course in Miracles lesson 135: "If I defend myself I am attacked." A conversation for another time. And I am about to go down that rabbit hole and read that lesson... maybe a conversation for tomorrow...

I'm such a good girl! I'm eating my veggies before dessert!

I have been away from the TV pretty much all day. I was feeling down this morning (the election), but my daughter pointed me back up in the right direction (thank you and God bless you daughter!).

I've been doing my NANO novel for a good part of the day along with all my my pre-stuff activities and my on-line meeting with the Cape Cod NANO group. Such fun... I am having a blast with this even though I don't know where I'm going... I feel like I'm following the bread trails that my characters are throwing on the ground. I have created some interesting characters, that I can say. At least I think they are interesting. And at this point, that's ALL that matters.

When I got up this morning I was thinking about how much the political climate was feeling like the revolutionary war. We have the Loyalists (aka Trumpers), and the patriots (AKA the anti-Trumpers and/or the Biden/Harris group). 

I thought, I wish I knew more about that war, but I do know someone who does! I called her - she lives 3 hours ahead of me back east (it was early in California), and I asked her if she knew the percentage of people who were Loyalists and the percentage that were patriots. 

She didn't, but said she had a book that might enlighten her. She called me back later. Interestingly, 1/3 were loyalists, 1/3 were patriots, and 1/3 were undecided.... VEDDDY INTERESTING...as Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes (TV not film) used to say.

I mentioned it to Sarah (daughter) and she sent me 3 documents containing a spiritual teacher's writings about that exact thing (relationship of the situation now with the past situations). I haven't read them yet, but am very excited to do that when I get a minute... I will get a minute because I am very curious!

I feel so good today considering so much of the country has been in chaos! Thank God for our minds that can take us to where we want to be even when we are not there.

Election Day but there are already too many people talking about that

So James Carville is my new positive thinking guru. I had already allowed my nervousness to take me to the fridge. Been doing that a lot lately. I'm getting all my questions answered...

When Susan Peirce Thompson said that she gained back all her weight in very little time I thought, "How is that even possible?" Well I hope I don't go all the way back, but okay... At the beginning of my weight loss journey with Bright Line Eating I was doing amazingly well and IT WAS EASY. And I just didn't understand why it wasn't easy for everyone. I get it now. I really wish I didn't always need to learn my lessons through personal experience.

So back to James Carville - he played Pollyanna today and said in his lovely Georgia accent "Democrats, put the razor blades and the Ambien back in the medicine cabinet. Everything is going to be fine." I laughed, I needed the laugh, and then I decided that I had tortured myself enough tonight and so decided to come up here and see if I had anything to say to my loyal audience of one (that would be me). 

I am having a blast, (I wrote more or less and then decided that that was not accurate it was more than less and then I though why the hell am I even quantifying it? Why can't it just say I am having a blast?) with my NANOWRIMO novel. I have, however, written myself into a corner and don't exactly know where I'm going. I'm going to ask my dreams to present a possibility for me while I am sleeping. Hopefully, my creative subconscious will oblige me. I figured out what word count I needed to get to today and it turned out to be 5,129. I thought, I'll make it to 5, 229 because I was born on the 29th of October in 1952... I got there, exactly!

I'm actually feeling really great. Guess I'm trusting Carville who is part of one of the most interesting couples in the world. Left winger married to right winger Mary Matalin. To me that says a lot. It says that someone can love another even if there is something about their lives that is completely opposite. The other couple that really blows my mind is Kellyanne Conway and George Conway. She is the person who came up with Fake News or was it alternative facts... And Conway helped to start the Lincoln Project. How on earth could they be together? Well, I guess they are both republicans but then there are republicans and republicans and they have now both quit their jobs Trump/Lincoln to be there for the kids. Good decision - especially on Kellyanne's port.

Day two of National Novel Writing Month

I don't know exactly how many times I've "won" (written 50,000 words in 30 days) NANOWRIMO - so I checked it out and OMG I started 8 times, but only completed 3 times. 3 times - that is somewhat embarrassing (because I really thought I'd written like 6 novels!), but oh well, it is what it is.

I am determined to finish my novel this time. I kind of have a story (I fleshed it out a little during a group write with my Cape Cod NANO group) during a zoom call. I got involved with this group that is 3000 miles away during my first adventure in NANO land in 2008. 

This 'novel' is kind of writing itself, which is, to me, the most fun way for things to happen - letting ideas just pop in and then following them wherever they lead. Odd things happening that are unexplainable even to me (for now), and I just follow the thread.

There is something nice about having a quantity rather than quality goal. That is what Chris Baty, founder of NANOWRIMO suggests. That way I can keep moving and not let things like absolutely inexplicable and maybe even stupid plot points stop me. They could get resolved as I wind my way to 50,000 words. I'm only at 3,468 right now (that is, by the way, not just on-track, but I could even finish a day early if I keep up that pace!). 

So seat of the pants writing is actually how I would like to live my life. Just following threads that feel right, and knowing that when and if necessary, I will figure "it" (whatever it is) out. Just follow my gut and listen to my inner nudgings and keep moving. Kind of like Maude in Harold and Maude. If you don't know Harold and Maude - check it out. It's only on DVD with Netflix, but it's included in Amazon Prime (I did your leg work for you - now go watch it unless you don't have either then you are on your own)!

So... the miracle in all of this is two fold. First, I've been writing early in the day which is amazing because, somehow, I wind up feeling like I have more time in the day!

Every day for the last 2 months I've been writing 750 words a day through the site 750words.com. I wouldn't usually do it till the end of the day, sometimes very late in the day. I wonder if I was thinking about it all day long, and so it weighed on me as something I would need to do, but having done it early, I have the rest of the day to do other things. I might need to start writing this blog earlier in the day as well, though I like to see what the day brings before I do this... I'll see... Anyway, early writing seems to make me feel like I have more time.

The other miracle is other creative endeavors that are opening to me. Before I start to write I do three things. I play piano for 15 minutes. I do a one song Nia dance party, and then, the pièce de résistance, I do a Zentangle for 15 minutes. So far, My day two Zentangle is either 1/2 to 2/3 complete. I have enough white space to do more tomorrow and maybe even enough for a 4th 15 minutes on day 4. 

On October 23rd I started to talk about my journey with Zentangle and even shared my first two. I like my third one even more, and the one I'm doing on my own is really creating heart flutters! I think that this art form has my heart and is a wonderful form of self-expression for me.

So - piano. Haven't played for years. Never really learned to read music. I am LOVING just doing scales. I think by the end of the month I might even be able to at least sort of read music! And then the dancing. Well, it is really fun to move my body and I don't do it enough. I walk a lot, but walking is NOT dancing!

So those are my wonderful miracles - more time, and having fun being creative in different ways.

The reason I am doing the piano, Nia, and Zentangle is that I was given an assignment in Pam Grout's book Art & Soul Reloaded to "create some ritual to perform before you begin your projects."

So I decided it might be fun, before I got down to writing, to open up different creative centers which made me think I should play the piano downstairs that I get tuned twice a year but that is never touched outside of that! Thank you Pam - and being willing to create Zentangles on my own without a class - meditataive, creative, artistic - thank you Pam - and dancing - well that's really a thank you Emily Fletcher (founder of Ziva Meditation), but also a few friends who told me about Nia - which is fun and somehow freeing. All three are actually!

In an earlier assignment, Pam told us to start a blog. I'd started this one years ago, but her insistence got me to start up again and I am loving doing this! It is fun. It is a way for me to explore my thoughts and ideas and to share them with any poor soul who stumbles upon this!

I haven't been doing my Course in Miracles lessons lately, and I'm okay with that for now. I will wait until I am inspired to do them again before continuing because as I am learning - forcing myself only builds resistance and resisting is the best way to NOT accomplish!

I hope that at some point I am brave enough to talk a little about the novel I am writing. But for now, it's my own personal deep, dark secret. Plus at 3,468 words there really isn't much to talk about - which really isn't true, but since I have no idea where I'm going with it... I'll keep it under wraps for now!

Can't sleep without writing something

 Not feeling so great again, but it was really a pretty good day! Need to sleep.