THE HAUNTING OF NEG (Nancy Eve Grossman)

So today was a very interesting day, and I will attempt to share with you the shortest version possible. 

On Friday, I took some time during a group call, to get coached regarding some things that were going on inside of me. It turned out to be all about the election and that I felt that though I was doing some things to "help the cause," I wasn't doing enough to support the effort, especially compared to my sisters who are also, as James Earl Jones describes himself in Field of Dreams... "the East Coast distributor of "involved." I ate it, drank it, and breathed it... " That describes them to a tee (only west coast instead of east coast). So anything I do is way less than that and I feel it and I feel guilty about it like I should do more. I COULD do more. I could FIND THE TIME to do more. And I probably could, but for whatever reason, I don't want to, or I am just NOT.

So the facilitator, an amazing woman named Marnie Nir started talking about what I'd shared, and I got lost. I felt all of a sudden like I was listening to someone talking from another dimension. She said something about hero - I just didn't get it, but wasn't brave enough to admit that I felt stupid because I didn't understand (another interesting thing I experience from time to time). By the way, check out Inner U - that is how I met Marnie and it's the philosophy behind everything I will say from here out.

After the call I started to wonder 'was she calling me a hero? Didn't she hear what I said about my sisters?!?!? I'm NOT a hero and that is way out of bounds in terms of how I think about myself.' But, as it turns out, she was, which felt extremely uncomfortable. Then today, I had a meeting with my coach Caroline - another amazing Handel coach (Inner U again), and we talked about that, and I realized after she shoved it in my face (gently, of course), that I often don't feel like what I'm doing is good enough. And she's right. That is how I perceive much of what I've done lo these nearly 68 years. And then I mentioned something that I've know about and thought I dealt with already, which was a pretty nasty experience I had at sleep away camp when I was around 11 or so. A friend from the neighborhood who I went to camp with decided to turn the whole bunk against me and she told me and them, that they would call me from now on - based on my initials - Not Even Good. Then she and my dear bunk mates began to throw cereal and I think water over the bathroom stall door at me. I don't remember what happened after that. I do remember a 'picture in my mind,' of sitting on a grassy hill with a counselor who I think was trying to make me feel better. I don't think it worked. Not if 57 years later it's still so alive inside of me. So this experience, the Handel group calls "A HAUNTING." Just in time for Halloween I have my very own  haunting to deal with. Aren't I the lucky one!?

So to deal with this haunting, there are some recordings I must listen to, and some activities to do.

You might be asking, why is she writing about this?!?!? This is a blog about MIRACLES! This is a blog about feel good stuff. Why am I having to read about this woman perseverating about an experience that I would never want to remember or review or think about?

Well my friends, it's because this truly could turn out to be the biggest miracle I've ever experienced in my life, 

If I never feel that anything I am doing is good enough, that I am not good enough, and if that thinking has kept me from my dreams and dealing with it opens those doors, then isn't that truly the definition of a miracle?

Wouldn't it be amazing to do the things I've always really wanted to do like writing a novel (or rather a good novel that I'm willing to share with the world - I've written a number of hidden in drawer novels during National Novel Writing Month), or acting. I really wanted to be an actress, but I had gotten a lot of feedback that pretty much told me I was not even good at that (though I'd also gotten some feedback that I was good enough - very good as a matter of fact - but that I knew it... but that is another story for another time).

So, my hope for this new discovery and homework assignment, is that I will finally release and let go of this thing that has had me tied up in knots, and that once this haunting has truly been healed, I might be able to fulfill my purpose (whatever that may be) on this planet at this time. I also think that my clutter issues (another topic for another time), my weight issues (I've talked about it, but there's more), my hording issues, (again, for later), might actually get resolved by resolving this specific haunting. I'll let you know later.