Just One thing at a time

I will be reading the following at DimeStories on Sunday.

DimeStories is an event that takes place on the 2nd Sunday of each month. It is a forum for prose. An open mic that does not allow poetry (though sometimes someone will slip something in). It's been going on for years, but we stopped a few years ago, and during the pandemic, an enthusiastic soul decided to start it up again. I've actually been writing and reading... the reading is a three minute or less story that can be fiction, non-fiction or something in between. However it must be prose and one's own work.

I had started to write about wanting to leave Shouldland. But I was not happy with it and then the following popped up. So I will share it here and read it on Sunday. It is titled, as above, Just One Thing at a Time. 

7 years ago, I was driving on a relatively busy surface street in stop and go traffic. I looked at my phone, and hit the car in front of me. It was a government vehicle. I totaled my car. Thank God no one was hurt, but the guy I hit was pissed to say the least.

Previous to this I said I would kill my daughter for doing just what I had done. Hypocrite you say? Well yes. Guilty as charged. A year ago, she did the same thing. Now both cars that were divvied out at the same time, after my parents passed away, were gone – killed in the same manner.

But that’s not the point, just an example. Another example…

I was mugged by my washing machine door a few days ago. As in every good mugging, my nose was bleeding, my lip was split, I kind of freaked out thinking maybe my teeth or nose were broken. I went inside, grabbed a washcloth to catch the blood trickling out of my nose, looked nervously at my teeth and saw they were all okay. I grabbed a bag of peas and put it gently against my face. First the nose, then the mouth, then the nose then the mouth.

I decided I would go play cards with my friends anyway. I was late, and they wouldn’t be able to replace me at this late time. So I drove down the road - peas on mouth, then on nose, back and forth for the drive. We had fun, they were understanding, and I kept the peas handy.

The question: how did that happen? The answer: I don’t remember. I think I tripped, fell, and slammed my face into the washing machine door which I leave open so it will dry out. I only know that I fell because of the height of the door and my skinned knee - which it took almost a full day to realize I'd done.

But the why is easy. I was not present in the moment. Not sure where I was, but I wasn't present, and I don't know how or why I tripped. Just like I wasn’t present driving my father’s inherited car, just like I wasn’t present when I fell down the stairs a year or so ago, just like I am not present when I can’t find my phone, or my purse, or my earphones, just like I wasn't present when I broke the French press that cut my hand opened a few weeks ago.

For the millionth time in my life I decided I needed to do just one thing at a time. JUST ONE!

And I actually have been. Phone in the glove box, or at least in the door handle. No glances while driving. What I've become aware of is how my head just runs off by itself taking me from the present moment to somewhere else… where that somewhere else is, I don’t think I even usually remember. So I'm doing what I can, when I remember, to think about where I am and what I am doing. And so far, so good. I haven't had to drive back home to make sure my garage door was closed in two days (I did this Monday, and I am writing on Wednesday)!

I'm actually having better luck remembering where I put things, and realized I don't have to do everything at once. I can take things in from the car small armful by small armful. Since it's only been two or three days, it is new, and because my face still hurts it reminds me, I do not know how long this will last, but I am hoping that finally (I've been getting the slow down and pay attention order for more than 30 years), it has taken. I am 68 and I do not want to keep hurting myself. I am so very appreciative that my body is willing to take these beatings with few real consequences. But even after just 3 days I am feeling happier, healthier and safer.

Not Writing Every Day Any More

I have decided not to write every day any more. I just don't have that much to say. I'm doing my 750 words every day (more or less) and that is where I can blow off steam or ask myself questions. So this feels a little redundant, so I am reneging my promise to write here every day. However, that probably doesn't matter since no one is reading this but me.

Also, it's that Roca time of year and I have a bunch of tax and legal stuff coming up so I have a lot of other things on my mind right now... 

AND, I am going to start living by that rainbow colored sign that is taped to the top of a clear picture frame with my father wearing lady liberty's crown... "What am I inspired to do in this moment?"

That is what I am going to be asking myself in every moment of every day and I intend to follow it.

Only 30 minutes left in December 2nd

As there are only 30 minutes left to this day, I will just quickly pound this out though truth be told, I have NO idea what I'm going to write about.

It's been a pretty marvelous day, actually... the universe stepped up as it always does. I had no idea where I was going on They Come Unbidden (my NANO novel), and then, during a writing workshop today the 'guide,' I call her that cause she is an amazing guide, gave us a quote that lead me to realize where I had to take my character - what her next steps would be. 

I also got bent completely out of shape and didn't understand why, but then I did two things... I believe I mentioned something I learned through "Your Year of Miracles," which was to get hold of that place inside where the discomfort, anger, frustration, etc. existed and then squeeze that area letting myself know that all is well and that I have my own back and that I will always be there for myself, and then I went and did a sweat (red light sauna), and played a couple of rounds of an old computer game I haven't played for a long time, and then I watched part of the first episode this crazy Netflix show that I was thoroughly enjoying called The Duchess (the sauna has a big TV and netflix! :)).

So at some point during those activities, I snapped out of it - headache and all. The headache was probably helped by the 2 extra strength Excedrins and the 1 ibuprofen. But that aside, wow - the 40 minute sweat went by in a flash and I had a really wonderful conversation with the woman (young woman) who works there... oops, I was indoors speaking with someone who was not really 6 feet away from me, for more than 15 minutes, but we were both masked.

So... I also want to say that this would have been my 36th anniversary if my ex and I were still married, but we aren't. We came together to bring life lessons to one another, and life to one of the loveliest people I know, and knowing that, I would not change a thing. Plus, I really love my life here in Orange County, and had I not married my ex, I would probably never have moved down here. My attitude before I moved here and in the first few years was that I was living behind the orange curtain...

So all in all, it was a really nice day and I'm so happy to have lived it. Wow, I finished with 14 minutes to spare!

Procrastination

I received this recently - it might even have been today. It was the daily quote e-mail from Abraham-Hicks. (abraham-hicks.com)

"What is the definition of procrastination? It means: I can feel within my Energy sensor that this action is not in perfect alignment at this time."

Excerpted from Boston, MA on 10/10/99

Our Love

Esther (Abraham and Jerry)

First, when I read this this morning, I knew it was what I would like to write about, so I copied and pasted it in here, and my inner being must have known I'd need a little push to get it done today. So thank you Inner Being... 

Reading this makes me feel good. I'm not lazy, I'm not avoiding, I'm just not lined up with whatever it is that I am trying to badger myself into doing. So the thing to do is to line up, right? Right, and also not the easiest thing in the world to do.

First, I have to stop my head from making excuses and trying to get out of whatever it is - writing, organizing, writing cards, homework, it can be anything.

BUT, once I get my head under control, once I find the reason that I really want to do something, it becomes much easier. 

Enter the dream. I learned about writing out dreams from the Inner U (www.inneru.coach) classes I've taken. They are pretty powerful. For me, the most powerful ones have been the mini ones I've done such as my dream for America, and my NANO dream. And now, it's the procrastination dream:

I am a good person. I accomplish a lot. I am creative and kind and I get done everything that I really need to do.

I actually love getting things done and once I start, it's generally an easy slide down hill to completion.

When I don't feel like it, I get in touch with the part inside that is resisting and just squeeze it - hug it tightly and let it know I'm here for it. I am here for that part for myself now and always. And then I think about why I want to do whatever it is. And between loving and hugging myself, and declaring why I want to do the thing I am avoiding, I am well on my way. I discover that I do want to do it and just begin.

I haven't used this dream yet. I just made it up right now. What I know is that when I got home from doing my red-light sauna session I was tired and didn't want to do a thing. I for sure didn't want to do any writing. Not my 750 words, my blog or put another few hundred words on my NANO novel.

But I had started to put into place the dream though it hadn't been written yet. And here I go. I haven't done anything yet on my NANO novel - working title They Come Unbidden, but I will, even if it's just a few sentences.

And, a few hours ago I thought I might just go to bed without doing any writing today. I think that talking to myself about why I wanted to do it - heck it's the first of a new month. I don't want to destroy my streak this early... that could portend not so great things, and my 750 words no one will read, and probably no one will be reading my blog either, so it's not like I have to please anyone but myself. And truly, there is never anyone I need to please but myself. So I am writing and that is a wonderful thing.

Keeping it going

Just a short note today though it's been a jam packed day. Even though I finished my NANO novel yesterday, I added another thousand words to it today. I am just going to keep on keeping on until it is done. And that feels really good.

A very productive day and amazingly, no TV. I wonder if I just need to keep my head and body out of the room with the TV, and maybe it's even time to get rid of the TV again (not the TV - I'm okay with watching movies - but do I really need the news? Do I really need the bachelorette? Do I really need Grey's Anatomy or the rest of it? I might miss John Oliver and Bill Maher. They make me think AND laugh.

There is, however, a part of me that says, but you're a writer! You are actually writing now. You need to keep up with what's out there, and it is waving it's emotional arms and I wind up thinking, yeah, maybe I'll keep it. Just because I have it doesn't mean I am its slave.

My coach wrote me a love poem today. It was a consequence (they are big on promises and consequences) of having not treating me very well by double booking over our meeting time, and not letting me know. I had to tell her that she was double booked. She knew, she was just not staying up on what was what. We all do those kinds of things, and yet impeccable time management is an important facet of the Handle group's philosophy.

After reading it, I realized that I'd never had a poem written for me (unless I'm blocking it out). I've never even written one for myself which I really want to rectify. So maybe tomorrow I will do that. A poem for me by me. And maybe a poem for a friend or two. 

I have to admit that reading the poem, I felt heard. I felt cared about. I frankly felt loved. She is a good friend and I am learning a lot from her and am so appreciative of our open and honest relationship that is just getting more open and more honest. And that is what I am wanting in all my relationships, but mainly in the relationship with myself.

Figuring things out an addendum

The same person I did a little mini rant about in the Figuring Things Out blog I met with today.

The methodology that the Handle Group uses is pretty awesome actually. And one of the tools is having a hard conversation. First of all, my coach and I love one another and wouldn't stay frustrated or angry for long once things were aired, and that is what happened during our hard conversation which really wasn't so hard because I did not want to stay angry or frustrated and I wanted everything to be okay. Being apologized to is very nice, however.  

The thing I have to say about her is that when I make a promise to her I keep it. Handle is also fond of promises and consequences. I'm not fond of them. If I make a promise I am going to keep it and not keeping it creates its own consequence of me being unhappy with myself which is pretty awful for me. I'm a nasty taskmaster with myself.

I promised her two weeks ago I would stick with my eating program which was MY eating program and not one that was imposed upon me. I had some stories I was telling myself that it used to be easy but now it is hard and that I just can't do it. Well those stories went out the window and it was easy and I ate well, I stopped thinking about food so much and I felt really good, and two weeks later I am down (and would have been down - my weight) even more had Thanksgiving not been in the mix, but I already said that bets were off for Thanksgiving weekend and I had intended to eat my daughter's pumpkin pie that actually turned out to be a pumpkin lava cake. It was really good. I was happy I ate it, and then ate a little more the next day, but then we threw it away, which I really could have insisted on T-G evening, but didn't... lesson maybe learned.

So one of the other things I really want to work with is my clutter issue. I promised her I would get everything off my desk and into my tickler for the days I am going to work with the items. And, lo and behold, it's almost all done. Not the handling of the items, but the putting away of the papers AND I actually did do a bunch of the things in the pile because they were easy and I could do them. I even sent an e-mail to someone I needed to get some information about, and amazingly, because that is how things are happening for me, she answered just minutes later. I got all the information I needed, and finished something that was on my plate for tomorrow! It was a very productive evening! 

I did not dance or do a zentangle, however, but it's almost 9:30 and that is my bed time - so I am good with waiting to finish sorting the pile and doing my zentangle till tomorrow. ALSO, I began to play an actual piece of music tonight. I did a few pages of exercises and then grabbed a book and started. It was SO MUCH FUN! I love pampering my creative side, and oh yeah, I hit 50,000 words today. I have not ended my story yet, but I did end this phase one of my NANO journey. It's actually still nice that I have more writing to do because it will keep me going and that is a good thing. Maybe I'll have a 100,000 word book at the end of it all.

I have no ending

 I am two days away from 'finishing' my NANO novel. I will get to 50,000 words and probably pretty easily, but what I don't have is a story. I have over 80 pages and something is going on, but it doesn't seem to be leading anywhere. I don't know that it's a big deal because really the goal is 50,000 words, not necessarily a beginning, a middle, and an ending. Though I would appreciate an ending or at least knowing where I'm taking it. The beginning is obviously done, and the middle is moving along, but the ending is somewhat elusive. I want an ending. I want to find out where these characters are going, but maybe they are on their own time and I just need to be patient.

I have two writing sessions scheduled for tomorrow, so I can probably even get to the 50,000 words then. I am hoping that either in my dreams or my mediation, that the story will start to head toward an ending. My mediations have been very fertile with ideas.

Tomorrow I also have to do some other things that have been hanging out in my mind and on my desk. The next two days will be busy, but good because I am intending it.

And as a total non sequitur, I have been thinking about getting sick as a tool for not having to do things, and my daughter, who spent the last few days with me, told me that she was aware that I do that. Then my friend Amy, when I told her, said she was aware of it too. And I thought I was so smart figuring it out. Maybe I need to find out what else they are seeing me do that is obviously, not the greatest way to move through the world!