UH OH... I fell off the wagon

The wagon is overturned and all of my resolve is covered with mud and somewhere in the ditch where I can't (and don't even want) to find it.

There is so much mud on it I wouldn't recognize it anyway.

So as weirdness would have it, my food is the wagon overturned and my writing is up front and running forward. I have now written (easily) on this blog for 6 days (counting today), and I am loving it. I have absolutely no desire to stop, and frankly, don't care if no one looks at it but me. I am actually doing this for me. I am coming upon 2 months of doing my 750words.com writing and I have missed two days, but I have written for almost 60. And NANO - well, I am so looking forward to that and today was amazing meeting with the Cape Cod NANO group... but that is for another day...

So back to the food. Not going quite so well. Yes. I liked how I looked when I was lighter then I am now. I felt good in my body, but I am aware that I don't know who I did that for or why. Yes, when I was really on track with the program, it got me out of my head so I wasn't thinking about food all the time, but once it was no longer 'easy,' it was a struggle every day, and I thought about food and felt as mentally awful as I ever had. 

So I need a new strategy. I am in the process, inside my head, of thinking about what I need to do and how I will do it if I decide to do it again, but I am not going to spend the rest of my life fighting. I refuse. I am done with that. And if I get fat again, I get fat again. And if I decide to do something different, I will do that. But I have to come to it another way. 

One of my coaches (who I adore, and who I love working with and who only has my best interest at heart) just wants me to focus on my body dream and put in promises and consequences. I cannot do that. I will feel like I am punishing myself and I will hate the world. Been there and done that before too many times to count, and I know my head will be as crazed as always. I need to find a better way, a healthier way, a smarter way, a more peaceful way to get my relationship with food into a new place. Instead of 'get my relationship with food into a new place,' I started writing get it under control, but I don't want to CONTROL anything. I want it to be a comfortable and natural process and frankly, at this moment, I have no idea what that looks like or how I will get there.

I am waiting for the miracle I know will come. It always does. It is why I started this blog in the first place. My first two blog posts from March 5, 2015 and March 4, 2015, which I just re-read and liked, though March 5 is a little long, explain why I decided to do this blog. If you want to see why I am waiting, and why I am trusting that I will have wonderous miracles to report, then scroll down and read them. 

I am moving back into a trust the universe mode. I haven't been living there much lately but I'm back (or at least I am declaring that I am back - step one...).

And oh yeah, briefly. As I mentioned at the beginning, my writing is going happy. I know that National Novel Writing Month will be brilliant. I know that I am going to have a wonderful time with it even though it will be potentially the craziest month anyone has experienced maybe ever (in case you are reading this and saying 'what?' the 2020 election is what I am referring to). I am holding out for peace and joy and kindness and loving. I am.

And it is bedtime, and so I will sign off, but just FYI, I will be, before I get into bed, opening A Course in Miracles (bibliomancy - open the book toget a message), and hopefully getting a little guidance about getting back into the wagon.

ARE YOU MY HAUNTING'S MOTHER?

Today started out great. It started with a Jennifer Loudin write-in. But one doesn't need to write - it's an opportunity to have an hour and a half to just do whatever you want - and creativity is one thing it would be good to do since Jen IS a writing teacher! 

I didn't write. I organized my desk and got quite a bit done. But then, something went south. I think it started by me abandoning the zoom early because I thought another zoom was coming in and I thought it was a meeting I'd forgotten about because I also got a notification. But it wasn't. Just a random ding I paid too much attention to. So I spent a little more time on my desk, had some breakfast, and went to give blood. But my iron was too low, so no donating for me. We set up another appointment for later.

I was feeling pretty good, but disappointed, so I decided to get some of my steps in before going to my hospice patient's home to drop off a "Legacy Project" I had done.

After the drop off, which was fine, but truth be told ever since leaving my house initially I had been feeling more and more lethargic and so, after leaving my patient's home, I decided to go to Starbucks to get some bantum bagels (yeah! That'll make me feel better!).

And oh yeah, I had already gone to Starbucks before my walk to get a perfect bar (peanut butter). My app didn't work right away which I probably should have taken as a sign, and walked away, but I got on their wi-fi which got it to work, and got mad at AT&T for my flaky data.

Long story short - by the end of the day I'd eaten more junk (both quality and quantity) then I'd eaten in a very long time. I was trying to fix the lethargy and probably something else.

So I started to think about it, and remembered that during my my morning mediation I'd gotten hints about what my NEG haunting was about (see last Sunday). I should have used the morning time with Jennifer to explore them, but... I had decluttering to do and in retrospect hauntings to ignore.

Last night, per the hauntings homework, I wrote out brief recaps of 10 different hauntings. And one of them was the one I wrote about on Sunday. During the hauntings process which includes interviewing people who might be able to help get a better perspective on them, one comes to a greater understanding of one's own responsibility and authorship of what happened. And while I was meditating I thought I got some hints about it - but ignored it - or at least didn't appreciate it enough to look more deeply into it - thus crazy eating and feeling more lethargic. So here are my discoveries:

When I was living in New Jersey, we lived across the street from a thin empty lot that was owned by a parochial school and nunnery that was also across the street. On that land was a large bolder. I talked a gullible friend of mine into believing that there was a snake that lived in the bolder who I could speak to, control and make do what I wanted (uh oh - maybe I'm a Slytherin and NOT a Gryffindor!). She believed me, and I don't remember, but I may have threatened her to do what I wanted or I'd set the snake on her. Not that I wanted anything - but heck - who doesn't want to feel powerful and in control as a pre-teen?

This wasn't orchestrated by me, but I stood by. My sister who is 18 months younger then me, when she was about 8, terrorized our littlest sister who was 2 or 3 at the time. She grabbed her by the shoulders and said "mommy and daddy hate you and they're leaving and never coming back!" She did this, (we did this) because little sister looked so cute when she was trying not to cry. When she finally started to cry, 8 year old sister hugged her and said, "No, no. I'm only kidding they're here and they're not going away." So... from these experiences what did I learn about my haunting?

I was gullible and played small and weak (like rock/snake friend) in order to allow this NEG experience to happen. Abraham Hicks says that we're all under law of attraction. I attracted an experience similar to one I had created.

And second, I could be cruel, and/or at least stand by and watch others be cruel. So again, I attracted this to myself.

Both of those things make up the haunting, and I wonder if I've figured it out, or partially figured it out, or maybe I am just PRETENDING to have figured it out... I did find the old NEG friend and I can get hold of her to ask if she remembers this and what her perspective was. And I'm still in touch from time to time with rock/snake friend and I can certainly call her to get her perspective (if she remembers it).

And I will do this, when the time is appropriate based on my hauntings module, because my hope is that the food (and clutter) is all somehow tied into this haunting, and in the hope that once I dig deeper into it, and unravel it, the food and clutter will disappear as a crutch or numbing tool, or whatever I used it for today,

NOTHING MUCH TO SAY

 It's been a very confusing and cranky kind of day for me... we all have them... but I said I'd post daily.

One interesting thing was that I played cards with friends (we're all socially distancing all the time), and my partner and I needed an 8 and 9 of hearts to finish a run.

On my turn, I pulled both the 8 and 9 of hearts. That's a pretty cool thing to happen when I'm feeling cranky and out of sorts - I guess on some level, I was in sync...

Tomorrow will be a better day.

THE HAUNTING OF NEG (Nancy Eve Grossman)

So today was a very interesting day, and I will attempt to share with you the shortest version possible. 

On Friday, I took some time during a group call, to get coached regarding some things that were going on inside of me. It turned out to be all about the election and that I felt that though I was doing some things to "help the cause," I wasn't doing enough to support the effort, especially compared to my sisters who are also, as James Earl Jones describes himself in Field of Dreams... "the East Coast distributor of "involved." I ate it, drank it, and breathed it... " That describes them to a tee (only west coast instead of east coast). So anything I do is way less than that and I feel it and I feel guilty about it like I should do more. I COULD do more. I could FIND THE TIME to do more. And I probably could, but for whatever reason, I don't want to, or I am just NOT.

So the facilitator, an amazing woman named Marnie Nir started talking about what I'd shared, and I got lost. I felt all of a sudden like I was listening to someone talking from another dimension. She said something about hero - I just didn't get it, but wasn't brave enough to admit that I felt stupid because I didn't understand (another interesting thing I experience from time to time). By the way, check out Inner U - that is how I met Marnie and it's the philosophy behind everything I will say from here out.

After the call I started to wonder 'was she calling me a hero? Didn't she hear what I said about my sisters?!?!? I'm NOT a hero and that is way out of bounds in terms of how I think about myself.' But, as it turns out, she was, which felt extremely uncomfortable. Then today, I had a meeting with my coach Caroline - another amazing Handel coach (Inner U again), and we talked about that, and I realized after she shoved it in my face (gently, of course), that I often don't feel like what I'm doing is good enough. And she's right. That is how I perceive much of what I've done lo these nearly 68 years. And then I mentioned something that I've know about and thought I dealt with already, which was a pretty nasty experience I had at sleep away camp when I was around 11 or so. A friend from the neighborhood who I went to camp with decided to turn the whole bunk against me and she told me and them, that they would call me from now on - based on my initials - Not Even Good. Then she and my dear bunk mates began to throw cereal and I think water over the bathroom stall door at me. I don't remember what happened after that. I do remember a 'picture in my mind,' of sitting on a grassy hill with a counselor who I think was trying to make me feel better. I don't think it worked. Not if 57 years later it's still so alive inside of me. So this experience, the Handel group calls "A HAUNTING." Just in time for Halloween I have my very own  haunting to deal with. Aren't I the lucky one!?

So to deal with this haunting, there are some recordings I must listen to, and some activities to do.

You might be asking, why is she writing about this?!?!? This is a blog about MIRACLES! This is a blog about feel good stuff. Why am I having to read about this woman perseverating about an experience that I would never want to remember or review or think about?

Well my friends, it's because this truly could turn out to be the biggest miracle I've ever experienced in my life, 

If I never feel that anything I am doing is good enough, that I am not good enough, and if that thinking has kept me from my dreams and dealing with it opens those doors, then isn't that truly the definition of a miracle?

Wouldn't it be amazing to do the things I've always really wanted to do like writing a novel (or rather a good novel that I'm willing to share with the world - I've written a number of hidden in drawer novels during National Novel Writing Month), or acting. I really wanted to be an actress, but I had gotten a lot of feedback that pretty much told me I was not even good at that (though I'd also gotten some feedback that I was good enough - very good as a matter of fact - but that I knew it... but that is another story for another time).

So, my hope for this new discovery and homework assignment, is that I will finally release and let go of this thing that has had me tied up in knots, and that once this haunting has truly been healed, I might be able to fulfill my purpose (whatever that may be) on this planet at this time. I also think that my clutter issues (another topic for another time), my weight issues (I've talked about it, but there's more), my hording issues, (again, for later), might actually get resolved by resolving this specific haunting. I'll let you know later.

KEEPING PROMISES

 I said I was doing this every day. SO I am here with pretty much nothing particularly interesting to discuss.

Except when I was at Sprouts buying food, there was a guy behind me and I was taking a lot of time looking for the coupon on my app (the person checking me out wound up using hers), and then it took me a bit to pack up. I know I was moving at a slower pace. I was not in a hurry, but I think he was, and I think he was angry at me and maybe even said something unkind when he sneered at me and passed me in the parking lot, but I had my headset on and was listening to something on my phone. I realized then that I can always ignore everyone and everything that wasn't going to serve me in being a more joyful, peaceful me by just keeping my focus on what I am doing or what I want. I could have said - in my mind - God Bless You I hope you got what you needed from how you are feeling right now.' So next time.

It reminds me of a time I was at a party with a friend. When everyone left and he and I were the last people, I asked him what he thought about how one person had treated another. He never saw it. It was obvious, she wasn't being subtle, but he never saw it. I knew he was doing the Course in Miracles lessons and figured that whatever he was learning from that tomb was making a huge difference in his life if he really wasn't even able to see the horrors around him!

I also realized that I need to do more of my Psych-K balances, and maybe be better at my A Course in Miracles lessons too! The balances help me to keep my beliefs clean and clear. And from my own past experience I know that my thoughts and beliefs can be changed by doing ACIM lessons as I think I mentioned in one of the first blog posts in this endeavor. It's the namesake... ACIM...

Car Wash and Kindness

Okay, I'm back. I'm going to begin writing this blog daily even if it's just to say, hi, what miracles are you experiencing?  I don't even know if another living, breathing person will ever read these, but that is not the point. I'm not sure what the point is, but it seems like a good idea, and if I'm going to do this thing, which I've been attempting to do for a very many years, it's really about time... I'm going to be 68 in 13 days, how many more years am I going to wait?!?! 

So here I go, for real, and there are some older pieces I want to rewrite. So I will do that, and link to them, when I'm ready... or maybe I need to set up a date and time and just do rather than waiting for that illusive inspiration to hit. Or, as Pam Grout says, if I just do it all the time so the Muse knows where and when to show up... but that's for another blog piece.

So there have been a few things of interest in line with experiencing miracles - the point of this blog. Today I will share the car wash.

I decided I wanted to get my car cleaned because it was filthy, but my niece was parking in my garage for a few days and it seemed silly to get it nice and clean only to leave it out over night for several nights to get dirty again.

I figured once she left, I'd just go do it, but I didn't find the time, until it found me.

I was driving home from my daily walk and from doing a few errands but I couldn't get into my right turn lane so had to go straight and turn where I could which happened to be right where the car wash was. Even though I had something I had to do in just a little while, I knew I had enough time to do the wash and finally get it done, besides the universe led me here. I realized that I could have not gotten angry about not being able to turn right and instead said something to myself like - oh, wonder why I need to go straight! As I am writing this, I am aware that I need to ask that question to myself more often instead of beating myself up for something or being frustrated about how something has turned out, just ask myself what the purpose of the experience is/was... onward...

I got it washed but it was weird, not ideal - I had to use cash because their card machine wasn't working, so I did that even though it meant getting rid of pretty much all the cash I had on me. It was fine, but still, a little weird for something I thought was so perfectly designed. And as I was watching the guys cleaning my car at the end when they dry and 'detail' it - not a real detail, just get the spots off, he was being so meticulous I put the three dollars back in my wallet and pulled out a five. There was another woman who happened to own the Mercedes being worked on who had ONE WHOLE DOLLAR out. I made sure she saw me holding a five, though probably she couldn't care less. Some day I want to do a whole piece on generosity and our stinginess because as a society it seems that that is the way we roll (most of us) unless there is an emergency and then the generosity bug shows up. Why can't it always be there?!?! So interesting to me, but I diverge.

When I went up to get my car and gave the masked young man the five dollars and the receipt, he was so happy his eyes were actually shining. He thanked me and said that he hoped to see me again. I smiled back and said for sure and got into my car. But I couldn't move because he and kept spotting and cleaning the mirror and windshield and side of my car. I almost wanted to laugh. It was such a lovely encounter. Oh, I'm just getting it, so I got my car washed and he got an experience of generosity that somehow filled him. There are always reasons - usually more than one.

I'M BACK - I HOPE FOR GOOD THIS TIME!

Wow - it's been a really long time since I last wrote in this blog!  2017. That date is becoming an interesting anchor point for me, ... but more about that later.

I am feeling the need to move back into miracle mindedness. Back into a state of consciousness where I create my own reality rather than being thrown around by the winds of chance. And this blog is a way for me to hold myself accountable. As the title of my blog declares, and as A Course in Miracles states... WHEN THEY DO NOT OCCUR, SOMETHING HAS GONE WRONG... (miracles, that is)

I had a rough patch after spending some time with the RNC last week. I couldn't shake my depression, though unlike other times I was still having moments of clarity and of wanting to connect. I did my 10,000 steps, I did my weight training, I ate well. I did not use this as an excuse, and then I went on an Inner U call with an amazing woman named Kimberly, and somehow realized that I had to pull myself out and that I wasn't alone, and that the problem was that I kept looking at what I did not want, so I changed that. I created my own Dream for America. I wrote it out, rewrote it a little, and then rewrote some more. They were mostly just tweaks. I had birthed it pretty much whole and complete. And I want to share it with you and I want you to write your own. What do you want to see? Make sure what you want to see is NOT sprinkled through with what you don't want. Those things are insidious. They just sneak in there, grab us and turn us into raving lunatics!

You can use mine too, if it speaks to you, and maybe make some changes that suit you better... 

DREAM FOR AMERICA

America is a strong and noble country guided by principles of peace, loving, caring, generosity, participation, learning, and growing. We are well respected by other countries, and are leaders and important participants in transforming and healing our one lovely planet. On all levels from interpersonal relationships to climate change, to strengthening and updating community infrastructures in the United States and around the world where appropriate, we are thriving.

Our leaders are strong, intelligent, caring individuals who have the well being of all of our citizens in heart.

Our country is filled with flourishing small businesses and honorable, generous large businesses that care about and support the communities they exist in, their employees, and those who purchase their products and services.

Our neighborhoods, schools, and communities are successfully integrated and filled with our diverse population including those from many different races, religions, gender orientations, and belief systems. People have as their goals not just taking care of themselves, but also taking care of their families, those in their communities and those whom they might serve outside their communities.

All citizens from police officers to grocery and food service workers, healthcare to sanitation workers, etc. maintain a healthy and vibrant lifestyle holding down just one job. American workers are kind and caring to those whom they serve whether for a few minutes or for longer periods of time.

Our prisons are mostly empty, and those that still exist are oases of rehabilitation and retraining so that everyone can become a valuable and integral part of our robust society.

If an individual is having a hard time, he or she gets the necessary care whether it be for physical, mental, or emotional needs. Everyone gets the health and wellness care that they require as a member of this flourishing, thriving, country.

Our citizens are proud of being Americans, and those who want to join us have a clear and fair path for doing so.

Though we are proud of our nation and our states, we are so without putting ourselves above others in other states or countries.

God (or whatever word feels good to your heart), is truly blessing America and all of her/his/their inhabitants with all the gifts we are each ready and open to receive.

And then tonight - this posted by a friend... proving that my dream is coming true - it may be slowly and that's okay.

Last Friday night I was standing outside of a barbershop in Cincinnati, Oh,with a small group of mostly black men, when this officer walked over to a group of us. He looked around curiously and said “I don’t see a car blocking an intersection” while shaking his head. I asked him what was he talking about. He said someone called and reported that we had a car blocking the intersection. He paused for a minute and shook his head again. In that moment we both nodded and acknowledged what had just happened. Someone basically saw our group and made a false report. I asked him how long he had been on the job and he said 10 months. He asked what we were doing at the barbershop and so told him about the barbershop challenge Men of Courage and Ford Fund has sponsored. I asked if he wanted to come inside. He said he wanted to, but didn’t want to spoil the fun with his presence. Again we both nodded and acknowledged the reality of distrust between the community and police officers. I offered to take him inside so he could meet the owners and establish a relationship. I told him that someone has to take the first step to healing these relationships. He said he wanted to, but was unsure of what the reaction would be. I told him it would be cool and that Jerome Bettis and a host of other amazing people were inside. He lit up like a lightbulb and said “No way The Bus is in there”, with a kid like smile. I said hold on, I’ll grab him and have him come out. Jerome Bettis came out and the officer stood there with his mouth agape before saying “if my dad was still alive he would be so excited, because you were his favorite player”. We all stopped and sat in the moment before they went on to take a selfie together. It was one of those moments that reminded me of our humaneness, our frailties and our similarities. In that moment we were all just men navigating the world without the mask we are taught and trained to wear. I could have taken my offense to the call out on the officer and accused him of being a racist cop. He could have believed the caller and acted based on stereotypes about black men in groups. But we chose to just see each other and talk like humans. It’s ultimately a decision we can all make. When he lit up like a kid at seeing his dad’s sports hero, I saw a little boy and the uniform no longer mattered. We can collectively choose to see beyond the uniforms we all wear. It’s not easy and there is a lot of work to be done, but if we can at least start seeing each other, I believe things will get better. #writingmywrongs ~Shaka Senghor  www.ShakaSenghor.com

See you again soon.👀